Getting Lost In The Woods: The Forest Of Depression

For months now I have been struggling with depression, apathy, emotional pain, and felt no energy nor any real desire to do anything. I have posted in my chronic pain blog a few times since June 1, 2012, which is the last date I posted in my stitching blog.I started out 2012 with high hopes and a smoldering need to stitch (not the full on burning intensity of "Gotta do it right NOW!"). I signed up for a few things for the year, WIPocalypse (attempt to complete UFOs so that should the world end [apocalypse] those UFOs would be done) and the TUSAL (Totally Useless Stitch A Long, where you save your left over pieces of thread in a glass container and post a pic at each full moon). I fell out fast on the TUSAL (Feb. 2012 was last I posted my ort jar) and the WIPocalypse stopped in March. I've been mentally kicking myself all year.

I finally got my doctor to actually hear what I had been telling him for months, though he only listened because my DH came with me to the appointment on March 5. Thanks to my DH being present, a cat scan was ordered and the Dr. agreed to fill out the necessary paperwork for me to get a power chair from The Scooter Store. I was also started on Cymbalta which is an anti-depressant that has been shown to help alleviate neuropathic and low back pain in many patients. Thanks to Cymbalta, I did get a significant decrease in the intensity of my pain. I still had pain every day, but could stand for 10 to 15 minutes at a time (instead of the 2 to 7 I was at for a year or so) and when the pain did spike it was nowhere as sharp and intense as it used to be. It still hurt like hell but instead of feeling like someone was stabbing me with a very sharp and large knife, it felt more like someone was hitting me with a slightly giving ball on a stick, more of a thudding type of pain.  As a result I spent many days over the summer going out and doing thing. My friend has a pool at her apartment complex, so we spent many days there with our kids. We went out for dinners and enjoyed hanging out with each other. DH and I accompanied our friends on a weekend away and had an absolute blast! I was constantly amazed by how much better the Cymbalta made my pain, though it didn't do so great on the depression. I still had to fight the apathy etc. and force myself to go out but I succeeded. I even managed to start stitching again somewhere in July or August I think it was, though I didn't get very far, just a few more stitching in the wedding sampler.

A week (I believe it was) after our weekend trip in September the doctor made an error with my Cymbalta script (when the PA upped the dose from 60mg a day to therapeutic level of 120mg a day) and I did not realize it until 2 weeks later when I noticed I only had 5 more doses when I should have had 14. Knowing how impossible it is to get a script corrected or anything else from my doctor's office between visits, I didn't even try calling them. I tried to spread them out by taking one pill every other day, even though I should have been taking  2 pills, twice a day, every day. It didn't take long before I noticed the intensity of my pain returning. With each day that went by with the incorrect and irregular dosing (these meds rely upon a specific blood concentration and that said concentration remain constant in order to work their best) my pain got worse again, mobility dropped, and the depression came back full force. I reverted back to not wanting to do anything but dissociate from the pain and its destruction of my life. Once again I was lost in the dark forest, without so much as a tiny trail, left to wander. Even though I recognized the depression when it came back full force, I didn't care enough to fight it anymore. Mostly because no matter how much I fight it, it always wins in the end and comes back stronger than before, so I just let myself continue wandering, surrounded by the trees of sadness, pain, apathy, complacency, dissociation, lack of emotions, little to no energy and all of that. It felt so dark and I felt like a failure yet again. Yet in some ways it felt like home. It felt comforting, probably because I know that major depression is now a part of me for the rest of my life due to how chronic pain causes chemicals in the brain to go out of whack (norepinephrin, serotonin and more); which causes the depression. For some, who have dealt with this kind of depression for a long time, even curing the pain will not be enough for their brain chemicals to return to normal as their brains now believe the messed up levels are normal. So while I waited for the 6 weeks to pass once I finally got the correct dosage of medication, I hunkered down and hid. Falling down the slippery slope and into the comforting dark of depression.

It felt like home, but it also felt empty. I felt empty, used up, and done. I did try here and there to fight it off, but not very strongly and not for very long. It just felt too hard, like climbing Mount Everest naked, without climbing gear, and greased all over with lard. Not going to get far that way!

So here is where I've spent the majority of 2012, stumbling around in the dark feeling lost, worthless and broken on the few occasions I actually felt anything at all outside of apathy and sad emotions.

If you've read this whole thing, thank you! I really do appreciate it. I know it is very long, but considering I haven't blogged in many months I'm not surprised and there is a lot of ground to cover. I'll end it here for now because I have to go stitch (and I WANT to, which is great to feel!) as I need to finish an exchange I signed up for hoping it would kickstart my stitching mojo again, and it seems to have worked!

Utiil next time, I wish you all happiness, and peace!

PIF

I won a PIF on Lindsay's blog "Caring Stitcher" back in October of 2008. When I got home from Thanksgiving with family I had a small package in the mail. The package contained my pif gift! I am so happy with it!! She did a beautiful biscornu for me, added a pretty card and a skein of the scented DMC floss to try! This is my first biscornu and it is gorgeous! Her stitches are beautiful!

Thank you so much Lindsay! I love it!

PIF stands for "Pay It Forward" and it was started because of an old movie by the same name. How it works is you announce, on your blog, that you are going to do a PIF. You choose how many recipients you want (1, 2, 3, or more) and what the PIF items will be (it can be a stitched and finished item, or stitching stash etc. so long as it is stitching or craft related). You announce the date that your PIF recipients will be chosen and tell people to comment on your post if they wish to be included. Then you draw the names and those people will be your PIF recipients. At some point within the next 365 days you must send your winners the items you chose to do. They can then announce on their blogs that they are going to do a PIF and thus "Pay It Forward".


I will send a stitching related item (could be stash, could be a stitched and finished item) within the next 365 days (by Dec. 7, 2010) to two people. So if you would like a chance at being one of those two people please comment on this post. I will announce the winners on Dec. 31, 2009!

Exchange Completed YAY

I put the cow together. I turned it into a card that can stand up, similar to a flat fold. I just hope Rose likes it!

This is the front and it is sitting between the snowmen salt and pepper shakers I got for her as an "extra". She loves snowmen. The chart is Snowmen Cow designed by me and based on the generic cow shape of Les Marottes.

This is the back. It says "For Rose, From Raven. Cross Stitch Forum ATC Round 5, Mar 2009, Snowmen Cow by Raven". I added a pink crystal heart charm from Mill Hill treasures for a bit of "bling" on the back.

I have been working on my Blackwork Winter Sampler by Tam's Creations again. I have the center and one of the 4 corners done and am working on the upper left corner now. I will try to put pictures up tomorrow since I am not done stitching today.

I found a site last night that had over a thousand files on it which were all illegal copies of cross stitch charts for download. The site is similar to webshots in that it is supposed to be a picture hosting site, but a few people used it to list illegal scans of charts from many different companies, some of which included Dimensions, Dimensions Gold, Teresa Wentzler, Passione Ricamo, Mirabilia, Cross My Heart, RICO, PINN, and many more. I couldn't believe it when I saw how many charts were up there. So I made a list of each chart I could identify, arranged by company and then used the list to send emails to each company that included the name of the stolen chart and a direct link to the files. I am hoping to see that site disappear by the end of the week. It really annoys me to see people continuing to steal from designers. In total it was 35 emails.

Well I am off to watch a movie with my beautiful neice!

Feeling Real Happy!

I have my first HD of 2009!! I am feeling so happy and excited!! Better than I have felt in months!





The first chart I have designed for myself and stitched is completed, I finished the backstitching tonight!

This is my Snowmen Cow design, fully stitched! It is for an exchange on Cross Stitch Forum, a forum filled with the most wonderful people I have ever met online. The people on this forum are real, welcoming to newcomers, and their behavior matches their words. I honestly love this forum and the people on it and it is one of the 2 forums that I go to now because there is no clique and the people on it are just wonderful!

Anyway, this cow is for Rose on that forum. It is for the ATC (artist trading card) exchange, round 5. I am majorly late, but that is partly because I was sick for 6 weeks and had uncontrolled pain for a few weeks. I put the last stitch in it tonight. I think it came out pretty good! My DH is buying me the few items I need to turn it into a card that will stand up on its own (kind of a flat fold type of thing). I stitched the words for the back as well. I will mail it on Monday and I really hope that Rose likes it!

I can't believe how happy and energized I feel after finishing this! I am excited, happy, smiling and feeling really good! I haven't felt this good in weeks! Maybe this is all I needd, to finally accomplish something to start of the new year.

I will kit up the chart that my sister in law Stephanie chose for me to do a birth sampler for my niece. It is mirabilia design called Crescent Dreams, a baby in a blanket on a crescent moon. I will be changing the blanket to pink rather than blue, then adding Bridgette's information to it once it is done. I hope it turns out real well for them!

Maybe this energized feeling will be the catalyst to pull me out of this depression I've been dealing with since the first of the year.

Way too long

It has been a long time since I have posted. I am sorry about that. I am still around. It took me six weeks to get over being sick back in January (my last post) and 2 antibiotics. It took another 2 weeks to finally feel more like myself. Ugh I hate being that sick!



I have been fighting depresson again with the New Year. I'm not sure what has brought it about, maybe the fact that I turned 40 had something to do with it, I'm not sure. I just know that I have had very little desire to do anything at all including stitching. I have done no stitching that is not an obligation so far this year. I just haven't felt like it. Heck, to be honest I haven't felt like doing anything at all. *sigh* I'm working on it though and hopefully I can pull myself out of it soon. I really hate it when this happens. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to do anything or go anywhere and I know that giving in to those feelings is not at all helpful and just makes it worse, but it can be so very hard to fight it. Specially when it is accompanied by a higher pain level due to normal monthly stuff, since the increased pain decreases my mobility and decreased mobility feeds into the depression and lack of desire to do anything. I guess I will have to do what I have always done and just force myself to start doing things again. Things that I know I like because even if doig them right now doesn't make me feel happy, I know my enjoyment will return when the depression lessens a little bit.



I did make a chart of my own based on the cow charts that can be found here: http://lesmarottesdenath.free.fr/index.php?doc=1



It is for an ATC (artist trading card) exchange that I signed up for. The chart I made should look like this when it is completed (virtual stitches). I used PC Stitch Pro 9 to make it. The person it is for loves snowmen but already had the chart that was already made, so I decided to make my own. I don't think she reads my blog, so hopefully this will be a nice surprise for her! Darn, blogger will not cooperate tonight and let me upload a picture so here is a link to it instead, sorry.

http://thumb12.webshots.net/t/52/752/0/85/4/2428085040092041512mQWshc_th.jpg

I have all but the little bit of backstitching around the snowmen, their hats and scarves done. Then I have to do the words for the backing then put it all together. Hopefully blogger will cooperate and let me upload pics when I have it done. If not I will provide a link to the finished project.

I will try to post again tomorrow and hopefully get the pictures up!

It has been too long!

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted in this blog. Things got pretty bad with my back. For 6 weeks I was living with extreme pain every single day and it kept me from wanting to do anything at all. I couldn't do much at all either, because I hurt so bad. Living with chronic pain sucks!

I did finish the Giesha Cow for WOCS. Here it is:

I am quite pleased with how it came out, I just wish it had not taken so long.

I joined a Christmas Ornament exchange on WOCS. This is the lovely ornament Cathy sent me. I think it is adorable and took a picture of it hanging on my tree:

My partner was Cindy. I also included some floss (DMC and Kreinik metallics) and a book that Cindy had wanted for a long time. I mailed a bit late, so I included a second ornament for being late. She really liked everything.

I joined a secret stashmas exchange on the Cross Stitch Forum. I received a package from Kerri. It contained two charts I have wanted for a long time and all the DMC floss to stitch them! I am so excited! Thank you Kerri!

I managed to finish the entire upper right hand corner of the Tam's Creation backwork chart. I will post a picture soon!

May everyone have a wonderful holiday season! Happy Holidays!

Update on Blackwork Winter and Reminder of Breast Cancer Month Giveaway

I have done some more stitching on Blackwork Winter by Tam's Creations. Here is the latest WIP pic. I now know where the right hand edge will fall and am glad to say there is enough fabric. I also have the top edge situated as well, but I knew there would be enough fabric for that. The snowflake that is currently in the upper right hand corner, is the last motif at the top and the right of the project. I almost have the first "corner" page of the chart done! I am very pleased with this. Tomorrow continues a "small wip" so I will continue with Blackwork Winter. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday comes Stroke of Midnight provided my pain level allows me to concentrate on it.




I have started a competition that will end on Friday October 10, 2008. Please see this post for the specifics: http://raven-stitches.blogspot.com/2008/10/breast-cancer-awareness.html Join in everyone!

I am happy to report that the change in my medication continues to work well! Today has been my lowest pain level in at least 2 months and it stayed low even after I carried and put away groceries! Two weeks ago doing that put me in a pain crisis. I was ecstatic to be able to do it today with only a minor increase in pain and my breakthrough medications took care of that! WOOT! I even managed to do some dishes! This means that I can once again start increasing my physical tasks and try to rebuild the strength I have lost in my muscles. But most of all it means I won't have to suffer like I was! YAY!!!

Pic As Promised and Blackwork Winter

Here is a picture I took this morning of Blackwork Winter by Tam's Creations. I did some more stitching over night as my back was keeping me awake with pain. I added the border for the 3rd row in the upper right corner of chart, and started the final round of snowflakes and poinsettias. I am really enjoying working on this piece!

Today's stitching project is supposed to be Woodland Fairy by Teresa Wentzler, but it is a rainy day here and my back is just screaming. So I think I will stick with Blackwork Winter as it better fits my available concentration level.

Don't forget to check out my last post Breast Cancer Awareness for the contest!

Henny asked me a question in my comments so I'm going to go ahead and answer it. She asked why blackwork is called blackwork when it is often done in colors other than black. It is believed to originate with the Moors and Arabs, who brought it to England in the 13th century. It is also believed that the Spanish princess Katharine of Aragon brought blackwork to England with her in 1501. It was also called Spanish Work, but the term blackwork replaced it somewhere after Katharineand Henry the VIIIth's divorce. It was most often done with black silk, on white fabric so it would give the appearance of lace since actual lace was too expensive. It was also used to reinforce collars, cuffs and hems of clothing as well as to mark household items such as sheets, tablecloths, etc. As time went on people started using different colors, such as metallics on dresses, cloaks and other clothing. I hope that helps Henny. I just love the way blackwork looks. A design looks real complicated, but it truly wasn't. I just like the crisp lines of it as well and the geometric shapes.

Have a good day!

Breast Cancer Awareness

Breast cancer is a major concern for me as my family history is riddled with it. Every female in my family (both on mother's and father's sides) have died of breast cancer. My biological mother died at 44 and her mother (my maternal grandmother) died at 31. None of the women lived past 45. So I have a mammogram and an ultrasound every year and have been recommended for a prophylactic radical mastectomy (both breasts) that I have not consented to have done yet.

Please visit this site and click on the pink button that says "Click here to give- its free!". This helps to provide women with free mammograms! You can click daily. The sponsors give money based on the numbers of clicks, so please take a moment to click to help someone today! In case the link doesn't work here it is typed out to copy/paste into your browser:

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2


Now to provide even more incentive to go click (hehe evil aren't I?) I will do a drawing at the end of a week. All you have to do is click at the breast cancer site then post a comment to this blog entry to let me know you have clicked. (Please do not cheat, this is too important!). On Friday Oct. 10th, I will draw a name and send the winner a package that includes some stitchy goodness or a chart of their choice! So what are you waiting for? Get clicking!

Now for health and stitching updates! I saw my doctor today and she adjusted my medication. I did not realize I had been on the same dose for just over 5 years! She was real surprised as many people need their doses adjusted much sooner than 5 years. By the time I got home I was in a great deal of pain, so I took my afternoon medication from the new dosage. I did not take breakthrough medication as I wanted to see if the new dose would be more effective than the old one. I am quite happy to report that it was! I went from an 8 to a 5 within an hour! I think this new dose is going to help me manage my pain more effectively and that causes so many feelings that I just can't express them correctly.

I did stitch while I sat in the doctor's office for 3 hours. I worked on Blackwork Winter by Tam's Creations again. (per my rotation it is a smaller project day) I got 1 mitten, snowball and hat in then moved to the 4th "round" (the pattern is pieced together by corners, so it is half of each side at a time) where I put in an ice skate and skis. I would have gotten more but I had to keep getting up and walking around. The chairs in that office just kill my back! I will post an update pic tomorrow.

I swear I am still alive

I can't believe it has been a month since I last posted, but it has. My back has been pretty bad lately, we had a lot of rainy days one after the other and that always makes me hurt. My depression has returned, which is really annoying, so I don't have a lot of desire to do anything. But I'm trying to get myself out of it.

I did finish the Precious Moments piece and here it is: (not ironed yet)


I have started another of those silly cows to help complete a second quilt for WOCS and will send both cows and the PM piece as soon as the cow is done. I don't have a wip pic of it yet.

I received an email letting me know that Donna, my partner in the Christmas in July exchange on the San Man board received my package. Apparently it was a little worse for wear but the stuff inside was not damage. She said she really liked the ornie. I did not get a picture of it completed before I sent it, but I am glad she liked it. I took the Symbolic Christmas chart that I stitched and completed it into a pillow ornament, with a hand made cording hanger that had gold mettalic through it. Here it is stitched but not made into an ornament:



My daughter's surgery went okay. She had some complications and was in the hospital. This kept me off the internet for the most part for the first two weeks of August. I spent those two weeks waiting on her as she couldn't walk very well and had to use a walker. She was in a great deal of pain and mostly bedridden for most of the month. She has been getting better and she saw the surgeon again the other day. The cage he put in place of her disk at L4-5 has moved. He says if it moves again, he will have to go back in and remove it. She says the pain in her lower back has all but disappeared, but the sciatica in her right leg has not. It is possible that the sciatica is a permanent thing caused by the damage to her sciatic nerve root from being crushed between broken bones for two years. I'm hoping that given time, the nerve will heal more and the sciatica will become an occasional thing, rather than an all the time thing like it is right now. But I am so glad that even with the sciatica her pain level is very low! That makes me so very happy!

The baby turned 1 on Sep. 4th. We had her party on the 6th. She had a blast! She actually caught on to ripping open presents really quickly and she loved eating her cake. I can't believe how much she has grown! It has been 9 months since they moved here and it just doesn't feel that long. She is very close to walking, which means we're all getting close to having to run everywhere LOL Here are a couple pictures.




Look at those eyes!! Aren't they gorgeous!! Happy Birthday Bridgette!!

Christmas In July Exchange and SBQ

I joined an exchange on the San Man Originals board called Christmas in July. It is a surprise gift exchange, so long as the gift is stitchy in nature. It can be any kind of stitchy item, not necessarily a stitched and finished piece. I received my package on Saturday and had a lot of fun unwrapping the presents. I had that same feeling of anticipation and surprise that I get on Christmas morning. My partner is Donna and she sent me some beautiful things!




This is a picture of all the lovely presents Donna sent me! My first ever pinkeep and it is gorgeous! On the back is says "Christmas in July" and has a ribbon with "handmade by Donna" embroidered on it, which is such a nice touch. In the little blue bag are beads that look like Christmas lights and heart charms that say "hand made with love" on them. I think those will be wonderful additions to future pieces that I do. She also sent 6 strands sweets floss in black currant, it is a gorgeous color! There is a package of sticky gems, a mini snow globe key chain that lets you insert your own item into the center and 3 charts . 2 of them are teddy bears: One is a tattered teddy design and the other is a Gloria and Pat design, a bear dressed in clothing that looks like it belongs in 17 or 1800's. The third pattern is a baby announcement and it is gorgeous! (Now to find a baby to stitch it for lol)

Thank you so much Donna, I love everything! I have been positively spoiled in this exchange and am grateful for all of it.

I hope you enjoy the package I send you. It will go into the mail on Tuesday the 15Th at the latest.


As usual I am behind on SBQ so here are the ones I have missed:
May 14, 2008

Define a stitching term or acronym for new stitchers.

For newbies: What stitching term or acronym would you like defined?

WIP: Works in progress Frogging: ripping stitches out

May 29, 2008

Do you ever get to a point working on a project that you've had for so long, you start to wonder what possessed you to start it in the first place?

I am usually pretty good at remembering why I started a project though that doesn't stop me from losing interest for periods of time with the larger or complicated designs (such as TW Design Works) so that I have to take a break from them for a while.

June 18, 2008
Do you currently subscribe to any stitching publications or have you in the past? (Either in print or online) If so, which ones?

Yes. I receive Just Cross Stitch, The Cross Stitcher, Cross Stitch and Needlework and The Gift Of Stitching (e-zine).

July 9, 2008

How do you balance your stitching time with your other obligations such as work, household chores, etc.?

I try to make sure I get at least 1 to 2 hours of stitching time a day, usually after dinner because by then most of the chores are done so there are fewer interruptions. Since I have to rest every 15 minutes (due to my low back and pelvis issues) or so while I am cleaning I sometimes use those 15 minutes as a stitching break. As much as I enjoy stitching however, if an emergency arises ( or even a non-emergency but some other family issue) then the stitching is set aside. My family is my #1 priority so if they need me for anything, they get all ofmy attention.

Well that catches me up so I'm going to put my back pain in bed. Have a great day everyone!