This is a closeup of the baby and blanket. I am very proud of it because I changed the color scheme. The pattern said it came with a color scheme for a blue blanket and a pink one, but it didn't really. The girl version was simply a bluish purple blanket with a few dark pink stitches here and there. For the boy blanket it was still that bluish purple color but with blue stitches here and there instead of pink. I asked Stephanie what she wanted and, like me, she wanted the entire blanket to be pink. Together we chose a few colors until we found ones that we both liked and that worked well together. We are very pleased with the results.
The following is a rant. Someone I considered a good friend sent me an email telling me I complain too often about my pain, so now I'm ranting.
I am still dealing with a higher pain level because the radio frequency wore off. I had the diagnostics for the radio frequency done last week. They were positive which means I am a candidate to have radio frequency done again, YAY. I see the doctor on Thursday to go over the results of the diagnostics and then schedule the procedures. Getting it done hurts like absolute h***, but once I recover from the procedure itself (usually takes a few days) my overall pain level drops quite a bit. Not enough that I no longer need oral medication, but enough that my current doses of medication work so much better! It will keep my pain level below a 5 almost every single day and it will last for 6 to 9 months. Honestly it is annoying that I have to go through such a painful procedure just to get longer lasting relief. Since, in my opinion, the relief is worth the extreme pain I get for a couple days, I will go through the procedure. It doesn't make me pain free, nothing will do that, but it does make the pain alot more bearable. I just hope I don't have to wait another 6 weeks before getting RF done.
Some people have told me that I complain about my pain too much. I've been told in the past two weeks that I'm a whiner. One person told me that if they were in my position they wouldn't complain because it can't possibly be that bad. This just annoys me, saddens me, hurts me (when it is someone I really like who says it, as it was this time), and angers me. Living with a lot of pain just stinks so bad. It affects every aspect of my life and everyone in my family who loves me. It causes insomnia, depression, lethargy, frustration, confusion, fear, guilt, low self-esteem, thoughts of being no good/worthless/broken, and so many other emotions. Those who love me have to deal with their own frustration that they can't make it better or take the pain away from me. My family members have to deal with the fact that I can not do many of the things I want to do and they have to pick up the slack (re: housework and such) when I am off my feet due to pain. This makes them frustrated, angry, scared, resentful and other emotions. When I am stuck in bed crying because I hurt so bad and the medications are not helping and my leg is literally kicking all by itself and every muscle in my lower back and pelvis is twitching hard enough to be seen easily, those who are around me and who love me are completely helpless to do anything to help. For my youngest child and my niece seeing me like that is utterly terrifying. My son (youngest child) has gotten old enough to understand and not be as scared as he used to be but my niece (the baby) is not old enough to understand and she freaks out. She screams my name and sobs. I do my best to hide it when a pain crisis occurs by going into my room and locking the door. I cry into a pillow or folded up towel so the noise doesn't carry. This leaves me feeling very alone, ostracised and outcast when I really need support the most, but I'd rather feel alone than terrify my niece.
I deal with this pain every single day of my life. I can't stand for more than 20 minutes. There are many times when my legs just completely give out, without warning and I end up falling. There have been times where I have lost control of my bladder (majorly embaressing!). Every thing I do increases my pain simply because a person's pelvis takes a lot of stress with every movement a person makes and since my pelvis is broken, every move makes it hurt more.
I do my best to maintain a good attitude. I crack jokes about the weird noises my pelvis and back make when I move (popping, snapping, grinding sounds). I crack jokes about the deep wrinkles that are on my face due to the facial expressions that show up when I hurt a lot. I have had to adjust how I do every day things from taking a shower (using a chair because I can't stand in the shower) to doing laundry (kick the clothes accross the house because I can't carry a full basket) to cooking dinner (sitting on a bar stool because I can't stand long enough) to intimacy with my husband. I can't make promises or plans in advance to go somewhere with a friend because I can't promise that when the day arrives that I will be okay enough to do those plans. There are too many times that my niece comes to me and asks "up Ahma, up" and I have to tell her no because she is now too heavy and when I try sitting on the floor or a chair to hold her she gets mad because she wants to be carried and I can't do it.
These are just some of the things that a person has to deal with when they live with chronic pain. Since I do not complain all the time and I do engage in conversations on many other topics, I do not believe that I am somehow weak because I do complain sometimes. I do not think that my complaining is out of proportion when it is compared to all the ways the pain negatively affects my life and my loved one's lives or when it is compared to the actual level of pain I live with every day. Even though I know these things, it still hurts to be told what I was told and it makes me question myself even though I know I shouldn't.
I'm sorry if my complaining about being in pain upsets or bothers you, but it is a major part of my life and affects my entire life, thus it becomes a topic of thought and conversation for me. Talking about my pain helps me to find the strength to go on dealing with it and not give up. I am ever so grateful for everyone who does listen and emotionally support me when I do complain about my pain. I know that it doesn't feel like it is really helpful to me, but believe me it is extremely helpful to me. It gives me the strength to go on by allowing me the mental release of complaining about it and being heard. I do not seek sympathy, I seek support and in my opinion being emotionally supportive is something that real friends do for each other, no matter what the situation is that makes such support necessary.
To all those who have provided such invaluable support to me in the past (and will do so in the future) I thank you all! I am so very grateful to each and every one of you.
Ok I'll stop ranting now.
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