Getting Lost In The Woods: The Forest Of Depression

For months now I have been struggling with depression, apathy, emotional pain, and felt no energy nor any real desire to do anything. I have posted in my chronic pain blog a few times since June 1, 2012, which is the last date I posted in my stitching blog.I started out 2012 with high hopes and a smoldering need to stitch (not the full on burning intensity of "Gotta do it right NOW!"). I signed up for a few things for the year, WIPocalypse (attempt to complete UFOs so that should the world end [apocalypse] those UFOs would be done) and the TUSAL (Totally Useless Stitch A Long, where you save your left over pieces of thread in a glass container and post a pic at each full moon). I fell out fast on the TUSAL (Feb. 2012 was last I posted my ort jar) and the WIPocalypse stopped in March. I've been mentally kicking myself all year.

I finally got my doctor to actually hear what I had been telling him for months, though he only listened because my DH came with me to the appointment on March 5. Thanks to my DH being present, a cat scan was ordered and the Dr. agreed to fill out the necessary paperwork for me to get a power chair from The Scooter Store. I was also started on Cymbalta which is an anti-depressant that has been shown to help alleviate neuropathic and low back pain in many patients. Thanks to Cymbalta, I did get a significant decrease in the intensity of my pain. I still had pain every day, but could stand for 10 to 15 minutes at a time (instead of the 2 to 7 I was at for a year or so) and when the pain did spike it was nowhere as sharp and intense as it used to be. It still hurt like hell but instead of feeling like someone was stabbing me with a very sharp and large knife, it felt more like someone was hitting me with a slightly giving ball on a stick, more of a thudding type of pain.  As a result I spent many days over the summer going out and doing thing. My friend has a pool at her apartment complex, so we spent many days there with our kids. We went out for dinners and enjoyed hanging out with each other. DH and I accompanied our friends on a weekend away and had an absolute blast! I was constantly amazed by how much better the Cymbalta made my pain, though it didn't do so great on the depression. I still had to fight the apathy etc. and force myself to go out but I succeeded. I even managed to start stitching again somewhere in July or August I think it was, though I didn't get very far, just a few more stitching in the wedding sampler.

A week (I believe it was) after our weekend trip in September the doctor made an error with my Cymbalta script (when the PA upped the dose from 60mg a day to therapeutic level of 120mg a day) and I did not realize it until 2 weeks later when I noticed I only had 5 more doses when I should have had 14. Knowing how impossible it is to get a script corrected or anything else from my doctor's office between visits, I didn't even try calling them. I tried to spread them out by taking one pill every other day, even though I should have been taking  2 pills, twice a day, every day. It didn't take long before I noticed the intensity of my pain returning. With each day that went by with the incorrect and irregular dosing (these meds rely upon a specific blood concentration and that said concentration remain constant in order to work their best) my pain got worse again, mobility dropped, and the depression came back full force. I reverted back to not wanting to do anything but dissociate from the pain and its destruction of my life. Once again I was lost in the dark forest, without so much as a tiny trail, left to wander. Even though I recognized the depression when it came back full force, I didn't care enough to fight it anymore. Mostly because no matter how much I fight it, it always wins in the end and comes back stronger than before, so I just let myself continue wandering, surrounded by the trees of sadness, pain, apathy, complacency, dissociation, lack of emotions, little to no energy and all of that. It felt so dark and I felt like a failure yet again. Yet in some ways it felt like home. It felt comforting, probably because I know that major depression is now a part of me for the rest of my life due to how chronic pain causes chemicals in the brain to go out of whack (norepinephrin, serotonin and more); which causes the depression. For some, who have dealt with this kind of depression for a long time, even curing the pain will not be enough for their brain chemicals to return to normal as their brains now believe the messed up levels are normal. So while I waited for the 6 weeks to pass once I finally got the correct dosage of medication, I hunkered down and hid. Falling down the slippery slope and into the comforting dark of depression.

It felt like home, but it also felt empty. I felt empty, used up, and done. I did try here and there to fight it off, but not very strongly and not for very long. It just felt too hard, like climbing Mount Everest naked, without climbing gear, and greased all over with lard. Not going to get far that way!

So here is where I've spent the majority of 2012, stumbling around in the dark feeling lost, worthless and broken on the few occasions I actually felt anything at all outside of apathy and sad emotions.

If you've read this whole thing, thank you! I really do appreciate it. I know it is very long, but considering I haven't blogged in many months I'm not surprised and there is a lot of ground to cover. I'll end it here for now because I have to go stitch (and I WANT to, which is great to feel!) as I need to finish an exchange I signed up for hoping it would kickstart my stitching mojo again, and it seems to have worked!

Utiil next time, I wish you all happiness, and peace!

Oncologist Visit

I wasn't expecting the oncologist to do much, but boy did they make me nervous! He is a radiation oncologist so he doesn't do much (if anything, I'm not 100% sure though) with patients until they've been diagnoses with cancer ad referred for radiation. I called him because back in 2010 he was such a great help to me. he understood and knew about phyllodes tumors, and was willing to answer all my questions.

So I went to see him on Monday. As I said, I called to find out what I needed to do and the nurse called me back. Anyway, he remembered me and asked if I had the resection done. He had recommended the surgeon go back in and take some more tissue because he didn't agree that they had gotten a wide enough margin. I explained the surgeon refused to do it. He looked a bit angry but hid it fairly well. He then agreed that yes this thing in my back might be a phyllodes but he can't say for sure whether it is or not. I said I understood that but I just wanted to know if I was thinking correctly or if I was just going off half-cocked for nothing.

I understand docs have to be careful what they say to patients, and he was very careful how he worded things. But basically yes it could be a phyllodes, it could also be any number of other things. He said I need to see a neurosurgeon to have it evaluated and that it should be removed and biopsied. So nope I'm not over-reacting, which is nice to know since I am aware that I can do that at time. It is possibly a Phyllodes Tumor, but only way to be sure is biopsy.

Soooooo..time to get a neurosurgeon to see me.

Return Call From Oncologist

I put a call in yesterday (Friday) to the oncologist I saw back in 2010 after the biopsy results came back. I wanted to be sure that I had the right information about Phyllodes tumors and that everything that could be done had been done, so I went to see him even though the surgeon told me it wasn't necessary.

So I called his office leaving a detailed message and asking what tests or things I should be asking my GP about when I see him on Wednesday. The oncologist's nurse called me back a couple hours later after discussing my message with the doctor.  They apparently pulled my medical file and looked it over. The doctor is "concerned that it very well could be a recurrence of Phyllodes" and wants to see me "asap", so I was given an appointment for Monday at 11:00AM (central usa time).

The nurse told me some of the things I already knew regarding chances of recurrence, chances it could be another low-level malignant/benign Phyllodes, chances it could be a more malignant tumor (mid-level or highly malignant metastisising) etc. etc. She said that I was doing the right thing by getting it checked out and said with my history it needs to be done.

So I am now a tad more nervous and scared. To have a cancer doctor say he is "concerned" and "wants to see you ASAP" is a little unnerving. Though it is still possible this will turn out to not be a phyllodes, so I am holding on to that and doing what the doctor wants me to do.

I am still very very scared.

Thank you Sara, Christine, Mouse, Daffycat, Terriboog, Jeanne, Anne and Brigitte for your wonderful comments and well wishes. I greatly appreciate them!

So Scared...another tumor?

If you read my entry for Tuesday (on my pain blog), where I talked about my doctor's appointment on Monday you'll know that when I asked my doctor about the cat scan results he said there was nothing spectacular going on with my spine and that my pelvis/SI joints came back as he expected. Yet again I am glad I do not totally trust my doctors on everything. I trust him to a point, same as he trusts me to a point. But from my experiences I have learned that doctors are very very busy, and as a result miss things, forget past illnesses of their patients, or flat out ignore them.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I received a copy of the cat scan results in the mail as I requested. (which was a pleasant surprise since I was expecting the receptionist to forget her promise to put it in the mail) Reading the report I came across something I hadn't heard of before, intraosseous hemangioma on my first lumbar vertebrae (L1). So I looked it up. Intraosseous means "on or within the bone" and hemangioma means "growth containing endothelial cells and blood vessels". So basically this means I have a growth of some sort (tumor) on my vertebrae at L1. What I read went on to talk about the various tumors an intraosseous hemangioma can turn out to be, many are cancerous (and yes Phyllodes is included) and a few are not.

Now I understand my doctor has hundreds of other patients and as a result it is difficult to remember every little thing their patients have been diagnosed with in the past. But to forget your patient had a rare cancerous tumor removed 18 months ago? Then to not even mention this growth when giving the test results seems wrong to me.

In June of 2010 I had a cancerous tumor called a Phyllodes tumor removed from my right breast. These are very very rare tumors, counting for less than 1% of all breast cancer diagnoses in the USA. When they do recur as a spreading (metastasis) cancer, they most frequently show up on the lungs or the spine. They are not the usual breast cancer in that they are not ductal or lobal, they are a connective tissue tumor. Also they do not spread via the lymphatic system as most breast cancers do, they spread via blood vessels and contain endothelial cells. Endothelial cells are the cells which make up the lining of blood vessels.

I did inform my pain management doctors of this tumor and its removal because it meant I was having surgery. I did inform them of what little is known about these tumors, including that they do not respond to chemo or radiation and the recurrence rates etc. etc..I did not get additional meds for post surgical pain as my regular meds should have covered it, but I still had to inform them I was getting surgery. They were also informed that a benign/low level malignant Phyllodes tumor counts as a cancer diagnosis and if it recurs it can do so as a more malignant tumor and when they do they usually appear on the lungs or the spine.

Taking that into consideration do you think it might have crossed the doctor's mind that a tumor on my spine MIGHT be something he should mention to me and recommend I have it checked out considering the similarities between a hemangioma and a phyllodes tumor and considering I have already had a rare cancerous tumor removed 18 months ago?

I say HELL YES to that question. Instead I had to find out by demanding my own copy of the written report.

So now I am scared.

I am hoping that it is not a recurrent phyllodes tumor that chose to pop up on my spine because that is pretty scary. I know the chances of survival regarding a recurrent and spreading phyllodes, which this would be a metastisis since it is on my spine not the same breast. I know the chances of it being another low level malginant/benign Phyllodes or the more malignant ones. None of it is real encouraging or very good. But the only way to find out is to have it removed and biopsied since you can't tell a phyllodes from a non-cancerous tumor without a biopsy. (They very frequently come up with a false negative for cancer result on needle and core biopsies.) You would think that a doctor would tell their patient, specially one with my history, that an abnormal growth (aka tumor) has appeared on their spine.

I see my primary care doctor to get the ball rolling for a biopsy next Wednesday.

Please please please God, not cancer ok? Or at least, not malignant Phyllodes ok? please? pretty please with sugar on top?

I need prayers and well wishes that this turns out to be nothing, if you wouldn't mind.

Thank you.

PS I did do a little stitching, but haven't gotten a pic for WIPOcalypse and I am sorry. I will try to get it up tomorrow.

Mail Call and I will stitch today darnit!

Other than being sick, nothing else is going on. I am feeling a bit better today so I am going to try and stitch a Christmas Ornament for the challenge I joined. I was hoping to have at least 2 ornaments stitched by now, but no such luck. I'm going to try a simple design because my concentration isn't as good as it normally is and I'm afraid if I try something more difficult I'll just end up having to rip it all out. I'm going to try the Brittercup Designs "Christmas Cat Tree" from this year's JCS Ornament issue. It only uses a few colors so here's hoping I can get at least this one done.

I won a giveaway offered by Lisa from Hera Chronicles and the box arrived yesterday. WOW lots of wonderful stuff! Beautiful gold dusted aida fabric, a piece of gorgeous purple hand dyed evenweave, pretty pretty flosses, sparkly beads of many colors, fun purple socks, a q-snap cover, wonderful charts and a pair of reading glasses! There was also a headband with green yarn hair (in braids) and a black felt witch's hat attached, but my neice took that right away so its not in the picture (but it sure looked adorable on her!).

Thank you so much Lisa! I love all of it! Thank you thank you!! Your package made me smile and I really needed the smile!

Sick sick sick

I guess I should know better than to sign up for stuff. I signed up for the WIPOcalypse and the ornie sal and was very excited for both. I pulled out ornie issues of magazines and started listing the ones I wanted to stitch. So what happens?

I get pneumonia. I've been sick for over 3 weeks now. It is kind of hard to stitch while coughing nearly non-stop or while attached to a nebulizer machine. I'm on my third antibiotic and finally starting to feel a little better. Maybe I can start stitching in a couple more days.

I Stitched!

I was visiting my in laws in Indiana last week. My FIL had to have a heart catheterization done as he has been having episodes of a very low heart beat (in the 30's and 40's) along with chest pain. We were so worried, so we ran up there to be with him. He came through the procedure just fine and they put in 3 stents to open up some of his arteries and veins. He will be undergoing another procedure on the 15th (I think it is) for at least 1 more stent. It was wonderful seeing everyone again, I just wish it had been under less stressful circumstances. The ride up and back was hard on me, specially since the doctor still hasn't corrected my breakthrough medication dose. I survived the car rides though.

I also stitched! Can you believe it? I took Quaker Welcome by The Stitcherhood with me just in case I wanted to stitch. I wasn't expecting to want to as I haven't wanted to stitch in a long time. But I did stitch! I finished the lower left hand side and put in most of the large motif on the left. While at the doctor's office today I did some more stitching, finishing the outer part of the large motif on the left and discovered a mistake. If I am seeing my floss tails properly I should only have to remove 3 or 4 rows to correct the error. I would just leave it but that would cause one of the smaller motifs to overlap.

I am hoping to be able to get some pictures uploaded of the many items I have received in the last couple of months, as well as a new WIP pic of the Quaker tomorrow. Here is where I was last time I stitched on it back in March:

Being Awake Again

Sorry I have not been posting. It has been a very rough few months and I am finally recovering. I will hopefully get the pictures I promised up soon. My camera is currently in North Carolina with my sister in law and brother who are up there visiting family. They should be back next Friday or Saturday.

I haven't been doing much stitching. I just haven't had the energy or the ability to sit up long enough to do any. The more detailed account is on my Chronic Pain Blog.

I am finally feeling better physically and am working on the mental and emotional aspects of spending weeks in severe pain without relief.

I am still around :)

Not stitching

I haven't done anymore stitching on the L*K design. I've been too antsy to do much of anything. I really hate the waiting periods of medical stuff, I am not very good at it.

I will try to stitch some tonight, because I doubt I will be able to stitch for a few days after the lumpectomy tomorrow. I am not sure, but I am guessing that the incision in my breast may make it difficult to raise my arm for stitching (hopefully it won't, but who knows).

Just wanted to let you know I'm still around..just not doing much but waiting.

Saw The Surgeon

I think this guy got his medical license from a Cracker Jack box or something.

What a most wonderful visit!! (NOT)

He started out wanting to know why I take the medication I take and I told him. He proceeded to tell me they never should have attempted to fuse my SI joint because "everyone's sacrum moves like that" (over 30 degrees of movement, very unstable)

According to him family history does not count in breast cancer, neither does the changes to my breasts, the calcifications noticed in 2006 should have been biopsied (no one mentioned it). No mastectomy because my reasoning for wanting it isn't good enough, and the above statements.

Lumpectomy only on Tuesday the 6th.

Would consider a mastectomy if a genetic test shows I have the gene (even though the gene and family history don't matter re: chances of developing cancer as he said earlier in the visit), and if lump is cancer then they will do a mastectomy.

According to him needle and core biopsies never have a false negative either.

Not a fun visit. Doctors really hate it when a patient comes in with ideas of their own and he is, apparently, one of those.

End result after crying from pure frustration: July 6th, complete lumpectomy to biopsy whole lump (which I requested and he didn't like but followed along on this point at least). That's pretty much it.

Came home, cried, went to bed. Apparently wanting my best chance at preventing breast cancer is not a good enough reason for mastectomy, the American Cancer Society lies to people, and everything I know is wrong. Lovely visit with a doctor *sigh*

So today I called one of the local oncologist centers and spoke with their nurse (the one who answers patient questions and such). After the way the surgeon so adamantly refuted everything I had been told, or read about breast cancer, I was confused and wanted answers. I wanted to be sure that my information was correct just for my peace of mind. So I called an oncologist office, I figure since they are the cancer treatment doctors they would have accurate up to date information regarding cancer. Yes family history does matter. If you have a first line relative (mother or sister) who had breast cancer, it increases your chances of developing BC. For me, my chance is very high because ALL female relatives had BC diagnosis, before menopause, and all died of BC on both biological mother and father's sides. The gene does count in increasing BC chances but apparently there are several additional genes that are being researched as possible contributors as well as the BRCA I and II. Yes enlargement, thickening of tissues (making it harder to diagnose possible spots on mammogram etc.), and calcifications in a person with family history can be "pre-cancerous changes" and/or precursors to cancer. (all of which I have) The nurse I was speaking with called this surgeon an "idiot" and I laughed. She then told me that despite prophylactic mastectomy being my best chance, I probably won't find a surgeon willing to take the chance on doing it until cancer actually shows up. She also recommended having the genetic test done because it would carry more weight with a surgeon and might tip the scales in favor of mastectomy since the surgeons are refuting an extensive family history are "not enough".

My primary care doctor's office called this morning to set an appointment for me to come in and discuss my thyroid test results, so while there (Next Friday the 9th) I will ask them to order the BRCA genetic blood test.

So at least I know that my information is accurate, even if my surgeon doesn't believe it to be. It is nice to know I'm not nuts LOL

All this stress, and today's lovely rainy weather, is driving my pain levels up pretty dang high. So its been a rough couple of days and it doesn't look like its going to get any better for a little while.

(The above is duplicated on my Chronic Pain/Depression blog)

I did do some stitching in the office, but didn't get very far as I didn't have to wait very long. I was not up for doing much after I got home, but here is where I'm at on the Lizzie Kate design, this pic shows the colors pretty well, though not perfectly:

Peace Love and a Cure © Lizzie Kate
Stitched with DMC on 28ct white Jobelen fabric

Not A Cyst

Diagnosis from Mamo and Ultrasound: Solid Palpable Mass

Next step: Biopsy to determine if it is malignant (cancer) or benign (fibroid type growth or other non-cancerous mass)

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, I appreciate it.

I'm going to go hide for a bit, cuddle with hubby and see if I can get my mind around this, get past the fear and shock and in to the "fight it" mindset.

Scared and needing strength

I found a lump on my breast this weekend. I saw the doctor on Monday and she confirmed the lump. They are going to do an ultrasound and mammogram today. On an ultrasound a fluid filled thing (such as a cyst) will appear gray, a solid growth (like a tumor) will appear black as the sound waves can not go through them. I am praying for gray on the ultrasound.

Approval code paperwork has already been started for the surgeon in case I need a biopsy, this way I won't have to wait for approval codes.

I am terrified as breast cancer runs very strongly in my family and my chances are very very high (95%) to contract breast cancer in my lifetime.

I would appreciate any thoughts, prayers, well wishes or anything. Due to this I just haven't been stitching as I am too nervous to pay attention. I'm sorry

Afraid to Finish

Here is the delft card that needs to go in the mail no later than Wednesday. All that is left is the border (Lower right corner is completed border) and one more stem on left of bloom. The weird thing is, I find myself afraid to finish. Every time I pick it up, I start stitching and I enjoy the stitching. Then I start feeling afraid, nervous, and scared and have to put it away! I don't get it!

Maybe this is because I am afraid to find that I can't finish anything? It has been what, a year or more, since I actually finished a piece? I'm not sure because the depression ate everything for a good long time. But this fear shows up on every piece I have that is close to being done, like the Frogging Around piece too.When the depression was really bad I just did not want to stitch. I occasionally tried, but never got very far. I'd start a piece, then just not want to stitch anymore so I'd put it away. But now I want to stitch and I enjoy it again, I just don't seem to be able to finish anything. :(

Oh well, I will try to finish this today as it is so close, and maybe finishing something will make the fear go away. I hope so because I'd hate to lose my favorite hobby because of some silly depression side effect.

Finally I stitched tonight!

I took a few days off from stitching and focused on trying to get myself onto a schedule for household chores now that my depression has been relieved. I haven't felt this good in a very long time (it has been a year which is a long time) and I am enjoying feeling better! I've been focusing on getting back into control of my house and straightening things out, cleaning and all that. So I haven't been stitching this week.

I did stitch tonight and worked on Christmas Dreams. I realized that I seriously miscounted when I posted that it was time to switch back to the Quaker. I posted that I pulled out Christmas Dreams on the 7th, but the date of the post was the 14th and for the life of me I can't remember if I had stitched on it for that week, or if I had just looked at the wrong date on the calendar while writing the post. So to try and settle it I chose not to swith and kept Christmas Dreams out for this week. I didn't stitch until this evening. I worked on the blank area where his hair/sideburns meet his beard and filled most of it in. All that is left is the second blue color that marks the curls which I hope to finish tomorrow. Then I will return to the bottom and continue working on his beard. Sorry but I didn't get a picture.

After a couple hours on Christmas Dreams I pulled out Woodland Fairy by Teresa Wentzler. I haven't stitched on this piece in a very long time. I had started it for someone I considered to be a very close friend and whom I loved a great deal. Suffice it to say that my love and trust were badly misplaced. When I realized that, I lost the desire to work on this piece and that was 4 years ago (it was already a ufo). It has been languishing in my stitching drawers as a UFO. I decided to stitch it for myself instead! As today is Thursday it is UFO stitching day on the yahoo group Friendly Stitchers ( a great group that I really enjoy!) so I pulled her out and put in a couple threads. The progress isn't noticable from the last picture I took so I didn't bother taking another one. I did enjoy working on her though so maybe I'll do a bit more on her this weekend. Here is my last progress pic of Woodland Fairy, just so there is at least 1 stitching picture on this post LOL

I only have 2 UFO's and they are both Teresa Wentzler designs. The Woodland Fairy and Stroke Of Midnight (Cinderella). I love her designs, but they are complicated and take a lot of attention to keep from making major mistakes. The end results are fabulous and worth all the aggravation of stitching them (at least I think so). Here is a picture of The Guardian, a gold dragon of hers that I did. The border (an intricate Celtic Knotwork pattern) didn't get stitched because I damaged the fabric, but the dragon itself is just gorgeous!

Clickable to enlarge for detail

I then pulled out the Quaker for a short while and added the letter "B b" to the alphabet at the top of the page and graphed the change in year from 2006 to 2010. I didn't take a picture of this either, sorry.

On Sunday I will be rotating back to the Quaker and before I do I will take pictures of Christmas Dreams and Woodland Fairy to show my progress.

Thank you for the comments, I really do apprecaite them. They mean a lot to me and I read every single one.

New Blog

I have started a new blog. This one will focus on my medical conditions and my struggles to regain a life despite the pain and the deep depression I have been dealing with. If anyone cares to read it you can find it at ravenpain.blogspot.com

My hope is that the blog will help motivate me to get back to doing the things I used to and give me an outlet where I can release the pent up emotions that are running around inside me and maybe help someone else in a similar situation as mine to know they are not alone (which can be a great help) in the process.

Where I have been

I am sorry it has been such a long time since I have posted. Life got real hectic and depressing. In July my adopted father passed away. So my DH and I traveled to Massachusetts for the funeral. I did not think my back would hold up very well, but my back handled it okay. I made it through the wake, the funeral mass, and the graveside service before my leg finally decided it had had enough. It was a real hard few days both emotionally and physically. After I got home things were made a tad worse when I received a phone call after I arrived home that was extremely hurtful and totally unexpected. This caused me to become very depressed. It took me a few weeks to pull myself out of it.

After I returned to FL I got to start the waiting game and the arguing with the doctor game about getting the radio frequency re-done for my back. This is a procedure that helps me a great deal by lowering my overall pain level so that my medications (at their current dosing) are more effective. My doctor insisted, at first, that I did not need this procedure despite the fact that I had gone through it 3 times before. He then argued with me over which side of my back/pelvis needed this procedure despite the fact that past experimentation had proven that I get the best results by having the procedure done on both sides of my lower back/pelvis. Because of all the disagreement I ended up with 6 weeks of extreme pain because the prior RF procedure had completely worn off. I was then told that I could not possibly be in that much pain and a diagnostic would have to be done to decide whether or not RF would be feasible. I went through the diagnostic, which proved RF to be feasible, and returned to the doctor. He then wanted me to wait an additional 2 months before doing the RF itself. He had no real reason for wanting this other than his belief that I couldn't be in that much pain. I cried on my way home from that appointment. Finally the RF was completed, but only on the left side, on August 5th. The doctor then decided that I did not need it done on the right side at all, despite the many entries in my chart that clearly showed I needed both sides done within 2 weeks of each other for maximum benefit. That was the final straw for me; I chose to stop seeing this particular doctor and switched to another doctor in the same office. It is my belief that a doctor should listen to their patients and actually read the patient's chart before they start deciding what works and what doesn't work.

Because of the length of time between the left side being done and the possibility of the right side getting done, I chose to not do the right side this time. The reason for this is because they can not repeat the procedure until a minimum of 6 months have passed from the last RF procedure. This would leave me with 2 months of extreme pain on the left before the time limit was reached for the right side. Then it would take at least another month to get the procedure scheduled (if not longer, depending on whether or not the yearly diagnostic needs to be repeated). That amount of pain is excruciating and leaves me unable to do anything at all (no walking, no house work, no cooking, nothing) except suffer. To prevent that, I chose to not do the right side this time so that in February I will be 6 months out from the last RF on the left and can schedule to have it done again without having to wait for the other side to wear off. (It is the left side that hurts the most as that is the side that has the compound fracture of the SI joint in it.)

Needless to say I have done no stitching these last few months and because of that I did not post here. I picked my needle back up last week as it gives me something to do to keep my fingers busy while I work on quitting smoking (so far so good!). I have completed all the stitching on the Crescent Dreams baby sampler for my niece. It is now being washed and then I will add the beads and the silk ribbon to it and prepare it for framing.

On Sept. 4th we celebrated Bridgette's second birthday! We had a blast and she loved ripping open the presents and playing with her new toys. I can't believe she is already 2 years old! Where did the time go?!?! She is so cute though!

Hopefully I will have pictures to post tomorrow!

Main Stitching Done Crescent Dreams

Here is Mirabillia's Crescent Dreams with all the main stitching and backstitching done. I changed the backstitch color for the blanket and hat from a grayish color (used on the face) to a dark pink because I thought it looked better against the pink blanket and hat. Now comes putting on the birth information in a simple backstitch alphabet, then washing and pressing it before adding the beads, silk ribbon, and charms it calls for.

This is a closeup of the baby and blanket. I am very proud of it because I changed the color scheme. The pattern said it came with a color scheme for a blue blanket and a pink one, but it didn't really. The girl version was simply a bluish purple blanket with a few dark pink stitches here and there. For the boy blanket it was still that bluish purple color but with blue stitches here and there instead of pink. I asked Stephanie what she wanted and, like me, she wanted the entire blanket to be pink. Together we chose a few colors until we found ones that we both liked and that worked well together. We are very pleased with the results.

The following is a rant. Someone I considered a good friend sent me an email telling me I complain too often about my pain, so now I'm ranting.

I am still dealing with a higher pain level because the radio frequency wore off. I had the diagnostics for the radio frequency done last week. They were positive which means I am a candidate to have radio frequency done again, YAY. I see the doctor on Thursday to go over the results of the diagnostics and then schedule the procedures. Getting it done hurts like absolute h***, but once I recover from the procedure itself (usually takes a few days) my overall pain level drops quite a bit. Not enough that I no longer need oral medication, but enough that my current doses of medication work so much better! It will keep my pain level below a 5 almost every single day and it will last for 6 to 9 months. Honestly it is annoying that I have to go through such a painful procedure just to get longer lasting relief. Since, in my opinion, the relief is worth the extreme pain I get for a couple days, I will go through the procedure. It doesn't make me pain free, nothing will do that, but it does make the pain alot more bearable. I just hope I don't have to wait another 6 weeks before getting RF done.

Some people have told me that I complain about my pain too much. I've been told in the past two weeks that I'm a whiner. One person told me that if they were in my position they wouldn't complain because it can't possibly be that bad. This just annoys me, saddens me, hurts me (when it is someone I really like who says it, as it was this time), and angers me. Living with a lot of pain just stinks so bad. It affects every aspect of my life and everyone in my family who loves me. It causes insomnia, depression, lethargy, frustration, confusion, fear, guilt, low self-esteem, thoughts of being no good/worthless/broken, and so many other emotions. Those who love me have to deal with their own frustration that they can't make it better or take the pain away from me. My family members have to deal with the fact that I can not do many of the things I want to do and they have to pick up the slack (re: housework and such) when I am off my feet due to pain. This makes them frustrated, angry, scared, resentful and other emotions. When I am stuck in bed crying because I hurt so bad and the medications are not helping and my leg is literally kicking all by itself and every muscle in my lower back and pelvis is twitching hard enough to be seen easily, those who are around me and who love me are completely helpless to do anything to help. For my youngest child and my niece seeing me like that is utterly terrifying. My son (youngest child) has gotten old enough to understand and not be as scared as he used to be but my niece (the baby) is not old enough to understand and she freaks out. She screams my name and sobs. I do my best to hide it when a pain crisis occurs by going into my room and locking the door. I cry into a pillow or folded up towel so the noise doesn't carry. This leaves me feeling very alone, ostracised and outcast when I really need support the most, but I'd rather feel alone than terrify my niece.

I deal with this pain every single day of my life. I can't stand for more than 20 minutes. There are many times when my legs just completely give out, without warning and I end up falling. There have been times where I have lost control of my bladder (majorly embaressing!). Every thing I do increases my pain simply because a person's pelvis takes a lot of stress with every movement a person makes and since my pelvis is broken, every move makes it hurt more.

I do my best to maintain a good attitude. I crack jokes about the weird noises my pelvis and back make when I move (popping, snapping, grinding sounds). I crack jokes about the deep wrinkles that are on my face due to the facial expressions that show up when I hurt a lot. I have had to adjust how I do every day things from taking a shower (using a chair because I can't stand in the shower) to doing laundry (kick the clothes accross the house because I can't carry a full basket) to cooking dinner (sitting on a bar stool because I can't stand long enough) to intimacy with my husband. I can't make promises or plans in advance to go somewhere with a friend because I can't promise that when the day arrives that I will be okay enough to do those plans. There are too many times that my niece comes to me and asks "up Ahma, up" and I have to tell her no because she is now too heavy and when I try sitting on the floor or a chair to hold her she gets mad because she wants to be carried and I can't do it.

These are just some of the things that a person has to deal with when they live with chronic pain. Since I do not complain all the time and I do engage in conversations on many other topics, I do not believe that I am somehow weak because I do complain sometimes. I do not think that my complaining is out of proportion when it is compared to all the ways the pain negatively affects my life and my loved one's lives or when it is compared to the actual level of pain I live with every day. Even though I know these things, it still hurts to be told what I was told and it makes me question myself even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm sorry if my complaining about being in pain upsets or bothers you, but it is a major part of my life and affects my entire life, thus it becomes a topic of thought and conversation for me. Talking about my pain helps me to find the strength to go on dealing with it and not give up. I am ever so grateful for everyone who does listen and emotionally support me when I do complain about my pain. I know that it doesn't feel like it is really helpful to me, but believe me it is extremely helpful to me. It gives me the strength to go on by allowing me the mental release of complaining about it and being heard. I do not seek sympathy, I seek support and in my opinion being emotionally supportive is something that real friends do for each other, no matter what the situation is that makes such support necessary.

To all those who have provided such invaluable support to me in the past (and will do so in the future) I thank you all! I am so very grateful to each and every one of you.

Ok I'll stop ranting now.

WIP, New Start, and Pain

Here is my update on Teresa Wentzler's Wedding Sampler as of May 25th. I decided to try doing the backstitching as I go along, rather than holding it all off until the end. Teresa Wentzler designs have a lot of backstitch in them. I've read information from many stitchers who do the backstitch as they go along to cut down on how much they have to do at the end, usually because they hate backstitch. I don't hate backstitch because I love how it makes a design look. But I figured I'd give the "do it as I go along" thing a try and see if I like it and if it works well. I'm a bit worried that as I move the hoop around the backstitch will become warped, or break (its only one strand), but so far it looks good!

This is a picture of a completed Mirabilia design called "Crescent Dreams". It is one of the discontinued "Little Stitches" line of charts. This is the design Stephanie (my sister-in-law) chose to be a birth sampler for Bridgette (my niece). It said that it had a conversion for pink for a girl, but there isn't a full conversion. Instead the blanket is a purplish blue with pink dots in it for a girl, or purplish blue with blue dots for a boy. So I had to play with different pinks to try to find 5 shades that worked well together to make the entire blanket and hat pink.

The above picture is of my test stitching using the first selection of pinks that Stephanie and I chose. I did not like them as the color variations were too stark from one another, rather than blending naturally from one color to the next, there was a sharp contrast involved. So we chose not to use those colors. (I needed 5 shades of pink from very dark, to very light)

This was the second set of pinks we tried. As with the first set I did some test stitching on plain white jobelen 28ct to see how it would look and whether the colors worked well together. These did, and both Stephanie and I liked how they looked, so these were the colors we chose to go ahead with.

Now that we had the pinks chosen (and pinks that worked well together I think) I went ahead and started the project on the hand dyed fabric I had purchased for it. This is being stitched on "Rock A Bye" 28ct Jobelen from Silkweaver's Fabrics. This picture is a little dark, but it still shows how well the pinks blend together and work together. I am so very happy with how this is looking! This is my progress as of May 25, 2009. I hope to make more progress today as I have not done my stitching yet today.

Last week was not a good one for me. For some reason at 4AM on Wednesday morning I woke up in extreme pain to find myself laying on my stomach. Apparently I had rolled onto my stomach while I was sleeping and slept that way for a while. I do not know for how long, but I do know that sleeping on my stomach is a very bad thing for me. I woke up because I was in extreme pain and I had symptoms in the right side SI joint, which is unusual for me, at least to have that much pain in the right joint. I usually have that kind of severe pain only on the left, though the right has started to have some pain at the top of the joint when I stand on my feet (cooking dinner or something like that). Now I have sciatica on both sides and in both legs, both joints are popping/snapping and sending sharp shooting pains out, both joints are hurting all the time though the left is still more severe than the right. Anyway, because of the sleeping on my belly thing I ended up spending the end of last week and most of the weekend in bed trying to get the pain under control.

This really scares me. The doctors have told me for years that the right side is not healthy either and that eventually it will cause me as much trouble as my left. When I had the second fusion attempt on the left side I was told that I would probably need a wheelchair within 5 years because the right side was getting progressively worse. Well it has been 10 years since the second attempted fusion, so I got more than 5 years which I guess is a good thing, but the continued symptoms in the right joint still scare me. When the left side hurts a lot, I lay down on my right side and take the pressure off the left. Now when I do that, the right side starts to hurt worse. If I sit up, both sides hurt from the pressure of sitting on my bottom. If I lay on my back both legs get severe sciatica symptoms (numbness, tingling, shooting pains, muscle spasms etc), and well laying on my stomach is just out of the question. So now I am scared that if these newer symptoms on the right are permanent, how the heck am I supposed to ease my pain? Get hung up by my ankles from the ceiling or something?

Dealing with my pain the way it is usually is bad enough. Some days are just horrible and I always hurt extremely badly during my periods. I just don't know if I could handle having that same level of pain on both sides of my pelvis, I really don't think I could.

Sorry about ranting about my back, I just needed to get it out. Here's hoping I will have another update on stitching tomorrow, when I finish my stitching for today.

My Stitching Corner, and Progress on WIP

Here is my Teresa Wentzler Wedding Sampler progress as of May 5, 2009. I got the entire upper left block completed. Lots of confetti stitching. I wanted to get it done so I could put in the satin stitches around it. I wanted to see if I could do them as well as I did the ones in the shell shapes at the top of the column. I think I did pretty darn good and I just love the effect.

This is a close-up of the upper left corner of the Wedding Sampler by Teresa Wentzler. I just love how the rayon floss looks in the satin stitch border and I am so very pleased with the result of the confetti stitching and the satin stitches. I am very proud of myself for doing it so well.

Ohhh I am such a happy happy stitcher now! My DH bought me a LaZboy recliner. He was hoping it would be more comfortable for me to sit in when watching TV or stitching. So he set it up in the living room. For now I am using the daylight table lamp off my computer desk, but will be ordering a daylight floor standing lamp to put behind the chair to the left (so I don't stitch into my own shadow). When we got it home I was hurting pretty good from all the getting up and down trying out different chairs as well as the laying on different beds to check out mattresses at the store. I tried a Tempurpedic mattress and found that it actually hurts my pelvis. I was thinking of waiting to try the chair until the next day when I wouldn't be hurting as much, then I realized we had bought it to help me with my pain, and I remember how quickly my body relaxed when I sat in it. So I went ahead and got my Blackwork Winter from Tam's Creations and sat down to stitch. IT WAS WONDERFUL! I managed to stitch for 4 hours and when I was done I couldn't believe I had sat that long. Better yet, when I got up, my pain had actually gone DOWN while I stitched in that chair. I am so very happy with it!

DH set it up in a corner of the living room, in front of the large windows we have. He also bought me a metal music stand because I wanted something to hold my charts that would be able to hold charts that are inside hard cover books (such as the Christmas books put out every year, as well as collection books of a specific designer). We set the music stand up next to the chair on the left and moved one of the end tables to the right of the chair. This made me my own stitching corner which can be seen in the picture above.

This is a picture of the music stand I am using. I love it because the magnets stick directly to it, which makes it easier for me to use 1 magnet as a needle minder. It also holds my heaviest stitching books without any problem. The little lip on it is great for holding my scissors, thread heaven, a high lighter and other small things I use while stitching. Because of my niece I have to find a better place to put my floss box as I found out today that she will not leave it alone if it is on the end table to the right of my chair. For now, I put a small cardboard box to the left of my chair (Beside the music stand) and put the floss box on it and that seems to work just fine.

I plan on emptying out the top two shelves of the large book shelf to the right of my chair. I will place my floss boxes on those shelves, as well as my WIPs and probably some of my chart books, or magazines.

I have long admired the stitching corners or rooms of other stitchers and crafters and have wanted one of my own. If I had known just how comfortable a recliner would make me and my stitching, I would have bought one years ago! No problem though as I have one now and it is a great help.

It is now 7:48PM central time and I paused in my stitching to post this blog. I've been stitching literally all day. I started at about 8AM this morning and just kept going. I wanted to complete the upper left hand block on the sampler, which I did. I am now working on Blackwork Winter which only has the lower right hand corner left (last page). I hope to finish it tonight. Anyway, if I were to sit in bed for that long and stitch, my back would be hurting like hell from the bending forward to read the chart. With this new stitching corner set up my back does NOT hurt from stitching! I am ecstatic about it! (Because the chair is a large one, I can easily shift positions every 20 minutes or so like I am supposed to.) This means I can stitch as often as I wish and for as long as I wish without hurting myself. This just feels marvelous!! *Happy cyber dance*

A little while ago we gave Bridgette, my 20 month old niece, a coloring book and washable markers. I of course had to take pictures of the first time she colored with markers! She really enjoyed it! Isn't she adorable?

Well I'll post again tomorrow when I will hopefully (*fingers, toes and all stitches crossed*) be doing a happy dance for completing the stitching on Blackwork Winter. Bridgette helped me with a few stitches on it, but the picture of us stitching together did not come out. I hope to get one tomorrow as she enjoyed it and so did I. The stitches came out a little crooked, but I refuse to remove them as they are the first stitches my niece has ever done! I hope when she gets older that she will be interested in learning to stitch so I can teach her how.

Blackwork Winter Tam's Creations

Well I did some more work on Blackwork Winter from Tam's Creations yesterday. So here is what it looked like when I started:

And here is what it looked like when I finished for the day:



Yay progress!! I am enjoying stitching this piece and feel a bit bad that I hadn't stitched much at all since December. Finishing the Snowmen Cow made me want to stitch again and I am making myself stitch for at least an hour every day so I can try to pull myself out of depression again. I really hate depression and how it comes and goes, specially since my pain levels vary. The higher the pain, the depression comes back, the lower the pain, the depression goes away. Like living with chronic pain isn't bad enough all by itself. Oh well, such goes life I guess LOL

Well I'm going to go do some more stitching See if I can't finish the whole upper left corner today then I will be three quarter's done!