Update Fairy on a Dragon

All in all today was a rough day thanks to the remainders of hurricane Irma. My back and pelvis were acting up, though not as badly as yesterday. To help distract myself from the pain and to aid in relaxing I did some stitching tonight while on a hangout with members of the facebook group The Stitching Nest. It was a lot of fun hanging out with my friends chatting, laughing, and stitching. Here is the latest progress picture of Fairy on a Dragon by Joan Elliott.

Fairy on a Dragon © Joan Elliott
2 over 2 on 28ct Jobelen using DMC threads

I've also been working on a post for my Living With Chronic Pain and Depression blog. It gives an overview of my day in the hopes of helping others to understand that being home all day with chronic pain is not the same as having a day off of work. 

FINALLY!! I stitched, enjoyed, and COMPLETED a project!

My last stitching finish were a few Christmas ornaments back in Dec. of 2011. Since then I have done spats of stitching here and there, nothing much at all though. I was severely lost in depression and lost the desire to stitch. I tried once in a while forcing myself, but just couldn't do it. In Oct. of 2013 I ended up in the hospital for 6 days. The end result is that I have a heart condition, damage to the back side of the left ventricle from a heart attack, and an 80% blockage in an artery that feeds the heart. Of course, the blockage is arranged and in such a spot that the doctor can't just put a stent in and the surgical repair would be "tricky" and "dangerous", thus we are hoping medications etc. will ease it up a bit.

I'm not going to go into details but that experience in Oct. sure blew my mind in many different ways. The biggest being I don't want to die and I don't want to continue just existing and not living. So for the past few months I've been working on getting my head in a better place. As I did that, I started wanting to stitch. My niece asked for a piece of Harmony Bear, one of the Care Bears. I've been stitching for the last few weeks, with the last week being very regularly and with increasing enjoyment.

Here it is, my first piece of completed cross stitch since Dec. 2011. I am so very happy to have it done!

Copyright Leisure Arts
Stitched by. Missy Hull 2014

I seem to have woken up my stitchy bug, so the next piece to go on the hoop will be the piece I owe a friend.

Where is my stitchy bug? Heck where am I?

Well, to let everyone know, I am still alive and around. I know it's been close to (if not already past [too lazy to check right now, ok I checked it was Feb. 2013]) a year 8 months since I posted here, longer than that since I posted with any regularity. I haven't been stitching much at all. I put a few stitches (total of maybe 50 stitches all told) in a couple of my WIP's here and there, but nothing major at all. *Pictures people making a a cross with their hands and yelling at her: "No stitching?!?! Sacrilege! Back you floss deserter, back you project abuser, back I say!" [raven giggles at herself]* See? I have lost my mind I tell you!

Another odd image: 2 rather official looking ladies at my front door dressed in black suits, complete with sunglasses (think Men In Black, only women in the suits rather than men) and ID wallets. Their badges have the symbol for cross-stitch of a hoop with fabric and a needle parked in said fabric. The words surrounding them are "International Needlework Association: Cross-stitch Div.: Project Protection Agent". They hand me a court order allowing them to confiscate my stash, WIPs, UFOs, and even my Ghingers for their own protection from my abusive neglect. "Now Mrs. Shadowborne if you would please surrender your Needlework ID, Scissors License and Precious Metals Needle Approval Cards. Yes than, very well.  Thank you very much and have a lovely day!" (trust me, it seemed much funnier in my head...oh well never said I was good at comedic writing  LOL)

I signed up for an exchange (due back in February) in the hopes it would help me regain my stitching bug. I have stitched on it. It sits three-quarters completed (would still need put together etc) in my stitching bag (along with 5 other WIPs) and I just can't find the energy to finish it. It is so late and I feel so horrible about it. I have told my partner and she is being so wonderful and understanding about it. My brain however uses it to beat me up. Why does depression have to include mental self-flagellation via self-insults and loads and loads and loads of guilt? It doesn't help, just makes it worse.

What happened? Depression is what happened.

The truth is: I just haven't been able to drum up the desire to stitch, or when I had a tiny inkling of desire, I couldn't drum up the energy to actually do it. My depression finally hit the really bad stages where even the sadness and despair go away, leaving nothing behind....emptiness.

Those woods I posted about a while back, I got lost again I stayed lost and couldn't find my way out. I knew my depression was bad, but I didn't realize it could get even worse, but it did.  I'm not sure that I have found a way out yet, but I am at least forcing myself to try to resume activities I know I used to enjoy doing. But it is so hard to fight back when I can't really do anything but sit in bed all the time. The pain has been insane, and pain like that really does mess up the chemical balance of the brain and nervous system.  In some ways the depression and it's accompanying dissociation is comforting because it removes a lot of emotions, thus I don't feel guilt, emotional pain etc. Instead I just feel empty, vast sweeping blackness..nothing at all. I've had a day here and there where I did have some feelings, but not often, not for long, and not real good feelings/thoughts. Though, there is one ray of sunshine finally: those days with some emotion have been increasing in frequency so that's good. I know that in order to feel better, I have to allow myself to feel at all. Of course the first feelings will include all the guilt, anger, frustration, fear etc. that I have been hiding from and the idea of feeling those things in order to move through them is extremely daunting.

I have days where some feelings are coming back, and when they do I am struggling to let them, to not shove them back down. It is terrifying. Part of me truly wants to stay in the woods, the deepest darkest part where there were no real emotions more often than not. My last post, I tried to end on an improved note. I *did* go stitch (about 15 stitches before giving up) that day though.

Thank you to all those who left me such wonderful comments! I read them all, obsessively more than once because they give me a warm & good feeling inside which is better than the empty nothing I had 99% of the time. I fully intended to reply to each one via email and when I realized a few weeks had gone by I just didn't know what to do. Reply so late? Let it go without telling them what their words mean to you? The self talk turned into how horrible I am, useless, etc etc., and I became afraid of the response I'd get if I replied after such a long time. I felt I would deserve it whether it be an angry/upset/disappointed/whatever response to my reply or no response at all. So, as with everything else for the last few years, I did nothing and just used them as more ammunition for those times when my brain played "beat up the birdie girl!". I truly am sorry for not responding to those comments before now and I appreciate them a great deal, thank you thank you thank you!

I am not posting any of this to make people feel bad for me or anything like that. I am posting it (terrified but going to do it anyway even if it means I have to ask DH to click the publish button) for a few different reasons. One to explain where I've been. Two, to release some of my feelings in hopes my doing so may do some good for someone else. There are other reasons as well, but I think I've rambled quite too much about my depression in what is supposed to be my stitching blog. If you've read this far, Thank You and give yourself a pat on the back, Well Done! (and no I do not mean that sarcastically). I appreciate it :)

Ok this is my 9th attempted post that has been sitting in the drafts folder for a while. It has taken me 2 weeks to write this one it as it is. "OK .......here goes...click publish raven! click it!"

Getting Lost In The Woods: The Forest Of Depression

For months now I have been struggling with depression, apathy, emotional pain, and felt no energy nor any real desire to do anything. I have posted in my chronic pain blog a few times since June 1, 2012, which is the last date I posted in my stitching blog.I started out 2012 with high hopes and a smoldering need to stitch (not the full on burning intensity of "Gotta do it right NOW!"). I signed up for a few things for the year, WIPocalypse (attempt to complete UFOs so that should the world end [apocalypse] those UFOs would be done) and the TUSAL (Totally Useless Stitch A Long, where you save your left over pieces of thread in a glass container and post a pic at each full moon). I fell out fast on the TUSAL (Feb. 2012 was last I posted my ort jar) and the WIPocalypse stopped in March. I've been mentally kicking myself all year.

I finally got my doctor to actually hear what I had been telling him for months, though he only listened because my DH came with me to the appointment on March 5. Thanks to my DH being present, a cat scan was ordered and the Dr. agreed to fill out the necessary paperwork for me to get a power chair from The Scooter Store. I was also started on Cymbalta which is an anti-depressant that has been shown to help alleviate neuropathic and low back pain in many patients. Thanks to Cymbalta, I did get a significant decrease in the intensity of my pain. I still had pain every day, but could stand for 10 to 15 minutes at a time (instead of the 2 to 7 I was at for a year or so) and when the pain did spike it was nowhere as sharp and intense as it used to be. It still hurt like hell but instead of feeling like someone was stabbing me with a very sharp and large knife, it felt more like someone was hitting me with a slightly giving ball on a stick, more of a thudding type of pain.  As a result I spent many days over the summer going out and doing thing. My friend has a pool at her apartment complex, so we spent many days there with our kids. We went out for dinners and enjoyed hanging out with each other. DH and I accompanied our friends on a weekend away and had an absolute blast! I was constantly amazed by how much better the Cymbalta made my pain, though it didn't do so great on the depression. I still had to fight the apathy etc. and force myself to go out but I succeeded. I even managed to start stitching again somewhere in July or August I think it was, though I didn't get very far, just a few more stitching in the wedding sampler.

A week (I believe it was) after our weekend trip in September the doctor made an error with my Cymbalta script (when the PA upped the dose from 60mg a day to therapeutic level of 120mg a day) and I did not realize it until 2 weeks later when I noticed I only had 5 more doses when I should have had 14. Knowing how impossible it is to get a script corrected or anything else from my doctor's office between visits, I didn't even try calling them. I tried to spread them out by taking one pill every other day, even though I should have been taking  2 pills, twice a day, every day. It didn't take long before I noticed the intensity of my pain returning. With each day that went by with the incorrect and irregular dosing (these meds rely upon a specific blood concentration and that said concentration remain constant in order to work their best) my pain got worse again, mobility dropped, and the depression came back full force. I reverted back to not wanting to do anything but dissociate from the pain and its destruction of my life. Once again I was lost in the dark forest, without so much as a tiny trail, left to wander. Even though I recognized the depression when it came back full force, I didn't care enough to fight it anymore. Mostly because no matter how much I fight it, it always wins in the end and comes back stronger than before, so I just let myself continue wandering, surrounded by the trees of sadness, pain, apathy, complacency, dissociation, lack of emotions, little to no energy and all of that. It felt so dark and I felt like a failure yet again. Yet in some ways it felt like home. It felt comforting, probably because I know that major depression is now a part of me for the rest of my life due to how chronic pain causes chemicals in the brain to go out of whack (norepinephrin, serotonin and more); which causes the depression. For some, who have dealt with this kind of depression for a long time, even curing the pain will not be enough for their brain chemicals to return to normal as their brains now believe the messed up levels are normal. So while I waited for the 6 weeks to pass once I finally got the correct dosage of medication, I hunkered down and hid. Falling down the slippery slope and into the comforting dark of depression.

It felt like home, but it also felt empty. I felt empty, used up, and done. I did try here and there to fight it off, but not very strongly and not for very long. It just felt too hard, like climbing Mount Everest naked, without climbing gear, and greased all over with lard. Not going to get far that way!

So here is where I've spent the majority of 2012, stumbling around in the dark feeling lost, worthless and broken on the few occasions I actually felt anything at all outside of apathy and sad emotions.

If you've read this whole thing, thank you! I really do appreciate it. I know it is very long, but considering I haven't blogged in many months I'm not surprised and there is a lot of ground to cover. I'll end it here for now because I have to go stitch (and I WANT to, which is great to feel!) as I need to finish an exchange I signed up for hoping it would kickstart my stitching mojo again, and it seems to have worked!

Utiil next time, I wish you all happiness, and peace!

Responses to Chronic Pain Video

Susan and Nataly, thank you both for your replies! I appreciate it a great deal :)

Susan said...

Thank you for sharing this info. I live in California, and haven't yet had any difficulty in getting the pain meds I need for my conditions. I hope that your situation in Florida gets better, and I hope that this is not a nationwide trend.

My Reply:

***You are most welcome Susan. I am sorry to hear that you also live with chronic pain but I am glad to hear that you are not having difficulties getting proper treatment for your pain. I can't say for sure whether it is a nationwide trend or not, but I'm guessing it will be considering doctors are being attacked and arrested in many different states,  not just Florida. What has bothered me the most about all this was finding out that some of the studies the FDA and DEA are using as proof for their statement that prescription drug abuse is an epidemic, are not very well done studies nor are they supported by the evidence.

natalyK said...

Missy, I am sorry for how chronic pain management is handled. As a pharmacist, there are many that do drug trafficking and doctor shopping which is why these ridiculous laws have been established. I wish that the proper people could be repremanded instead of the people with legitimate pain.

My reply:

Ohhhh I almost became a pharmacist Nataly! I worked in a retail pharmacy in MA for a while, then in the pharmacy in Children's Hospital in Boston. I LOVED that job so very much! I was accepted to the MA College Of Pharmacy and was supposed to start school that Sept. (1993), but in August I blew a disk in my back. Thanks to a bunch of errors from two doctors (my then PCP and the orthopedist he sent me to..such as not ordering any tests until I literally couldn't move my left leg at all and had lost bladder control) the herniation became a rupture, embedding pieces of the disk in my sciatic nerve root at L4-5, then the disk herniated again, hiding the rupture from the MRI. It was found during surgery to shave off the bulge (Laminectomy). I also had pelvic pain back then, but they were saying it was radiating from my lower back but now my doctors think it was my SI joints since they were not in great shape then either after delivering my daughter at just under 10 pounds with only 1 fontanel that was very small. Anyway, end result was disability and loss of school. My disabilities and injuries got worse over time, to where I am now; bad disks, nerve damage, broken pelvis etc. etc. (Though I do still think the 6 inch screw in my pelvis looks hilarious on x-rays LOL it was hilarious when a doctor saw my x-ray and said to me "I have smaller screws holding my roof on my house", we both laughed)

Anyway...I just wanted to say that I do understand why some of these rules are being put into effect, as a result of drug seekers, doctor shoppers, and addicts. 

I agree with you, I too wish there was a way to reprimand the ones who are breaking the laws without punishing those of us who aren't, especially since the honest patients do outnumber the dishonest ones (depending on which report chronic pain sufferers number between 75 to 114 million). I remember how frustrated the pharmacists I worked with in retail would get when a controlled substance prescription came in because if they accidentally fill one that was not legal they can lose their license, their job, and be prosecuted. Maybe we should stop blaming the pharmacists and the doctors! Their jobs require them to do things based on what they are told. Neither can help it if a good liar comes to them, we (people) don't have the ability to read someone's mind and know they are lying. I never thought it was fair that a pharmacist can get in so much trouble (or even prosecuted) for filling a script if it turned out to be forged or altered and they didn't catch it. It is not always easy to catch and altered or forged script. I don't think its fair that a doctor can be prosecuted for writing a pain medication script to someone who turned out to have lied to obtain it. The doctor can only go by what the patient tells him/her. It just seems like we're punishing the wrong people, the doctors, pharmacists, and chronic pain patients.

Thanks again for your comment Nataly, sorry I rambled with such a long reply. :)

Below is general information, not directed at anyone specific. These are just thoughts that popped into my head while I was typing, so I included them.

I've been told that my medications will never be increased again and I'll just have to live with the higher levels of pain. I've been between a 6 and an 8 minimum every day for months now and it quickly goes to a 10 (where I fall and have passed out) if I stand for more than 3 to 5 minutes. This is different from how my pelvis and back were prior to April 2011. I have new symptoms and higher pain, but I was refused tests to find out what is going on from May 2011 until Jan. 2012 because they were afraid I am "Just making it up for more medication"  (which I had not asked for more medication or a change in dose) despite the fact that in the 9 years I've seen this doctor I have never done anything wrong such as losing a script, getting my meds wet, calling for early refills, failing the urine test, etc. etc. (They've only been requiring urine testing for the past 4 years or so, same with contracts) This despite the fact that it took me 6 years of taking the same dose to reach a point where the dose finally had to be increased. Even my doctor was shocked when he realized how long it had been since my maintenance medication had been adjusted. I'm not seeking to be pain free, I just want to return to being below a 5 more often than not so I can function better. But that is now denied me because of other people's behavior/choices.

I have no problem with using just one pharmacy (Which I always did anyway because I know it is important to have all meds filled by same pharmacy to best catch possible interactions), doing a urine drug test (though I would appreciate if they used the lab result as deciding factor to end/stop treatment rather than the presumptive result which can often be wrong by giving a false positive). I have no problem with my doctor having access to my pharmacy records. But  the idea that a law enforcement official can just access my medical record without a warrant or just cause, just because I'm a pain management patient, is not right. That he/she can just walk into my doctor's office and demand my record and my doctor has to give it to him. Taking my rights away is not the way to stop drug addiction. Honestly, I doubt we can stop drug addiction. People have been using things to get "high" for a very very long time, addiction is not new.

I think it is wrong that chronic pain patients are intimidated into submitting to procedures they do not want and that do not help them under the threat of losing what little pain control they do have. Other patients have a say in their treatment, but chronic pain patients often do not. Last week I underwent an epidural steroid injection, even though they do no good for me and I react to the steroids they use. Steroids are not a good thing in the long term anyway. They can erode/degenerate bone; seems like a bad thing to be injecting into a broken joint and areas of my spine that already have degenerative changes to the bones. When I tried to tell the doctor I didn't want the injection because they just don't help much at all, I was told if I refused then I would not receive any of my medications and would have to find another doctor because only addicts refuse treatment options. All these injections do is put me in a pain crisis for anywhere from 1 to 3 days (depends on where they injected me). What little pain relief they give me depends on where they injected as well, spinal facet joints do nothing, but the one into the SI joint helps a little for about a week, 2 weeks maximum. 

My doctor has sought the guidance of an attorney to find out how to limit his risk of being investigated/arrested. The lawyer advised him to no longer accept any patient who pays cash for pain management, further he recommended that he stop accepting medicaid patients for pain management. Apparently the bias is that medicaid and cash paying patients are mostly addicts or people who sell the medications. As a result my daughter was dropped (after 5+ years with this doctor without any trouble at all) from the practice, as was my neighbor. Both of whom have legitimate reasons for needing pain management.  So now the uninsured and low income medicaid patients are discriminated against and denied proper treatment because the doctor has to cover his butt not just for medical malpractice but from being unjustly prosecuted for drug offenses. 

It's just nuts.

Pain Management Contracts

I try to keep my chronic pain entries on my other blog. However, my focus with this little movie I made is to spread awareness of how chronic pain patients are treated if they are lucky enough to get treated at all. This video is based on my experiences, as well as the experiences of other patients I know in different areas. I live in Florida, where things are getting pretty bad for pain management patients. I think it is important for others to realize how we are treated. Here's the first video of what I hope will be a series.

For more information you can visit the following links:

Regarding Pain Management Contracts and loss of rights: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/04/06/963719/-Chronic-Pain-Patients-Lose-Their-Rights

Information on different topics that affect chronic pain patients, including discussion of different studies etc. (Written by doctors): http://pain-topics.org/  and/or   http://updates.pain-topics.org/

For what happened to Richard Paey in Florida. A young man with many medical issues giving him constant pain who was sentenced to 25 years in prison for drug trafficking. The way Florida's laws are written it does not matter if you actually sell your medication or give it away, if you fill a prescription for more than 50 - 70 pills in the bottle, you are drug trafficking and can go to jail for 25 years. This means any chronic pain patient whose prescription totals more than 60 pills in the bottle, is a drug trafficker under Florida's law. To learn more visit here: http://www.november.org/thewall/cases/paey-r/paey-r.html

Sorry this isn't a stitching entry. I did do a little bit on the Sentimental Sampler, but not enough for a new picture.

Stitching

I did finish the Christmas Cat Tree by Brittercup Designs and I also did a small design from Daffycat called Believe. I haven't taken pictures yet, but I will get them up soon. Its not as good as I wanted to do for the ornie challenge, but its better than none at all so I am pleased with it. I have a few more weeks and I'm hoping I can knock out one or two more. I enjoyed it a great deal too! I actually stitched all day last Wednesday (I think it was) which is something I haven't done in a long long time. Of course my pelvis was really unhappy with me and I paid for it the next day, but I enjoyed it a lot! I just have to find a better position for stitching and remember to get up, stretch, and walk around after 30 minutes or so. I just get so into the stitching I forget to stretch, get up, and move around LOL Maybe I will set a timer and see if that helps.

I am hoping to get the Reindeer charts from Daffycat done for this year as well. Sam wants to stitch one of them as well.

In preparation for TUSAL 2012, I found a jar and am collecting my orts again so I'm in the habit for next year. When Sam and I stitched together the other day, she collected hers as well so I have some of her threads in the jar.

Sam has created a cross stitch chart for her boyfriend and completed the stitching the other day. It looks fabulous! Her back is perfect, her stitching is perfect and I am so proud of her. I can't share any pictures of it because its a surprise for her boyfriend (who reads my blog) and I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I am so so proud! She is so pleased with herself also, which is great to see. I can't wait to share it. She did it on a red fabric which is more difficult to stitch on, as we all know, so I'm even more proud of her.

I managed to cook most of Thanksgiving dinner which meant a great deal to me. I am so very happy that I managed to do it. I am also very grateful to my husband Ron, my daughter Sam, my sister-in-law Stephanie, and my neighbor Diane who all helped me with the preparation and cooking in one way or another. I even managed to sit in the living room and enjoy my company for most of the day. It was great!

Pics and Fun

As promised here is a picture of the progress I made on Quaker Welcome by The Stitcherhood while I was in Indiana.

Quaker Welcome © The Stitcherhood
Stitched by: Missy H.
DMC floss on Silkweaver Opalescent 28ct jobelen 2 over 2

This is not a large piece and I should have completed it by now. My mojo disappeared for many months while I was fundraising for Matt. This was followed by new symptoms in my back and pelvis and a sharp increase in my pain. This coupled with the doctor's decisions to lower my meds, do only half the RF procedures, and to tell me "We will do nothing more for you. You'll just have to live with it.", all brought back my depression and severely curtailed my mobility. I know many people find stitching helps them through rough times and I used to be one of them. I don't know when or why this changed, I just know that it has. Now when I am feeling real low the idea of stitching feels like trying to climb Mt. Everest covered in lard and alone. There is some good news about my medications etc. but that goes on the other blog. If you wish to read it you can find it here: Living With Chronic Pain and Depression.

When I got back from Indiana I pulled it out to work on it some more and noticed I made a mistake. I haven't frogged it yet, but I will soon. It doesn't set anything off by any stitches and I could probably just leave it an no one would know, but I can't do that with this error. I've done it in other designs (ex: wrong green for one stitch on a leaf in a Teresa Wentzler design, not noticeable) when it wouldn't be noticeable, but I think this one would be.

I thought it might be fun to play a little game. Look carefully at this picture and see if you can spot my error. If you think you have spotted it post in the comments. On Wednesday (17th) I will randomly chose a winner from all the correct answers and that person shall receive a $25.00 gift certificate to Down Sunshine Lane. Here is a hint: If no one has the correct answer by that time I will provide a hint and extend the contest until Saturday the 20th. You can click to make the picture larger.

Have fun!

Edited: Had to add the information of where I stopped stitching when I ran out of floss as it appears to be an error but its not the one I was talking about since its just not completed. I will however count Christine's comment as correct since it is my fault. thanks for playing along Christine!

Sorry

I've been real busy coordinating a yard sale to raise funds for my DS's best friend Matt, who was badly burned on March 13. For the last 6 weeks or so I have been putting up posters, putting out donation jars, and picking up donations of items for the yard sale. We held the yard sale this weekend and instead of just 1 day, we had to run it for two days because we ended up with so much stuff! We had to use a large u-haul truck and a storage unit for the items we were given. Then on Saturday, the day of the sale, people dropped more stuff off and basically doubled what we already had. By the end of the day Saturday, we realized we did not have enough space to pack what was left back into the truck. So DH spent the night in the parking lot and we ran the sale Sunday as well. We did manage to sell quite a bit of the stuff, but the total earned wasn't as high as I was hoping for. Matt's family was very grateful though. DH, DD, DSIL, and DS were all great helps and did a wonderful job! I am so very proud of them! I just wish I could have done more than I did and taken more of the actual "doing" on my shoulders like I wanted to.

My pain has been pretty high these last few weeks. Partly due to stress (I am sure) and partly due to the fact that it has been 7 months since the first Radio Frequency procedures (lower back ones) and its starting to wear off, which means the pain in my lower back is ramping up again.

I've been feeling very down lately, specially since it has become blatantly obvious to me that I can no longer do things that need to be done and just push through the pain to do them. This has greatly saddened me.

So basically I'm in a funk..hurting more, struggling with feeling useless, struggling with fears for my future, struggling with feeling like a failure etc. etc. So no stitching lately, hence no blogging.

I am sorry for my lack of updates, lack of stitching and lack of motivation.

It has been a while

I realize it has been a month since I posted. It has been a busy month, though I didn't get a lot of stitching done. I started a Little House Needleworks piece but didn't get very far on it. I had to start it over on a new piece of fabric because the white didn't show up.

My pain is in better control. I had radio frequency done on Dec 27th on the left SI joint, which is broken. It has helped a great deal but OHMAN that was horrible! The procedure itself hurt like absolute hell and when the lidocaine wore off I was in agony! I actually screamed from the pain when my husband had to help me sit up. On top of that I've been sick as a dog for the last 2 weeks. So it has been a rough month.

Christmas was good though. On Christmas Eve we went downtown. The city puts up light displays in a park downtown and we went to see them. They were beautiful! Bridgette had a blast looking at the pretty lights. I actually took a picture that doesn't look too bad. Here are a couple pictures of the lights and Christmas Day.

Ron and Bridgette decorating the tree

Brian, Bridgette and Stephanie under the light arch

Me and Ron under the light arch

Bridgette opening presents

Kyle opening presents

I cooked Christmas dinner. We had a ham. We also had company over and had a very good day.

I have so many things I want to write about that I can't figure out which one to write first, so I haven't been writing. Thanks to the lower pain level I have been doing more at home and thanks to being sick my brain feels like it is under water. But I figured I better post something before everyone thinks I disappeared or something. LOL

Radio Frequency Procedure

I put up a post, complete with a flouroscopy picture, on my chronic pain blog about radio frequency. This is a procedure which is done to assist me with my pain levels. I describe how it is done and how it feels for me. If you wish to read it you can view by going to http://ravenpain.blogspot.com/

I hope to have new pics for tomorrow showing an update on Christmas Dreams and the peach/white stocking completed (washed, blocked, threads all tied off and hidden correctly, and the ribbon in place).

When the time is right, the right person comes into your life

I went to the doctor today for my pain management appointment. I was assigned to a new physician's assistant (PA) named Denise. After finding out yesterday when the office called to remind me of my appointment that I would be seeing someone new (this has happened for my last 3 appointments) I was worried. But since I knew it was a woman I was also hopeful that she would be as good as my old PA (also named Denise). In my experiences I have much better luck with female doctors or PA's than I do with male ones. Anyway she is a really nice lady, who actually listens to her patients. She did a physical exam, which I was expecting since this is the first time we've met. She also told me that the reason I am scheduled for an appointment every 3 months instead of every month is because I am listed as not being at risk for addiction, diverting my medications, or anything like that. I already knew this about myself because I am very careful to follow all the rules and only take my medication as prescribed, but it was still nice to know that my doctor's office knows that I am not a risk as well. So it was a great visit just for the new PA, but something happened in the waiting room that made it a truly wonderful and touching visit.

I was stitching in the waiting room like I usually do. Usually the wait can be a couple hours so stitching keeps me occupied and helps keep me from getting annoyed that I have such a long wait time. This lovely older woman came over to me. Her name is Grace. She asked to see what I was stitching. I was working on the Delft Card for a friend in the UK to sell and raise money for cancer research. She said it looked wonderful then asked to see the back. I knew right then that she must be a stitcher because only a stitcher would know that the back of a piece is important. So I showed her the back and I was nervous! With her age I knew that she had most likely learned from her grandmother and mother, add in her accent and I knew she had learned from an older generation in a different country. The older generations, when teaching younger people to stitch, emphasized that they do it correctly, including making sure the back is as neat as possible. Knowing all this I was nervous to show her the back of my work, that it may not be up to her standards but she told me my back was perfect! She started complimenting me on how neat my stitches were, how neat the back was and complimented my grandmother and mother for teaching me. I had to tell her that they did not teach me, that I taught myself. She was surprised but said I obviously learned well.

She then told me how her mom and grandmother taught her to stitch when she was a little girl, back in Panama. She told me she used to stitch a lot and tried to teach her 3 daughters, but none of them were interested. She asked me to put some pieces in the County Fair in October and mentioned how sad she was that there was so little needlework being shown at the fair now a days. I told her about the ribbons I got in the Cochise County Fair back when I lived in Arizona. She said she wasn't surprised because my stitching is so neat.

She went on to tell me that she still had many patterns that belonged to her mother and how she kept them because they were her mother's. She talked about how much they meant to her and had tears in her eyes while talking. Then, she blew my mind! (i'm still very pleasantly surprised!)

She wants to give me those patterns! Can you believe it? Some of her most prized possessions and she wants to give them to me! I still can't believe it.

She said many of the patterns belonged to her mother and grandmother, but since she doesn't stitch anymore and her kids aren't interested, she has held on to it all hoping to find someone who would treasure them to give them to, someone who would use them as well. I almost cried! I will certainly treasure every single chart! I am so touched that she would give me the patterns that obviously mean so much to her, specially since we literally just met! I started to cry a little and couldn't thank her enough. I know how much those patterns mean to her because they were her mother's and her grandmother's. She said that she had watched me stitch for a few minutes before approaching me because she wanted to see if I was really enjoying the stitching or just doing it to get it over with. She said that I appeared to be a true stitcher, one who stitches for the joy of stitching. I told her how much I enjoy stitching, that it is very important to me because I can't work, so stitching gives me something to work for. I kind of see stitching as a job almost, I may not be able to work but I can make beautiful pieces of stitching for people. She understood. So we talked for a little while about stitching, her coming to the U.S., friends, family and lots of stuff. She gave me her phone number and took mine. She said she will call me in a couple of days, after she gets the patterns together. Her husband asked for directions to my house and we talked about being transplanted Yankees living in the south (He is from Maine and I am originally from Mass.) They were great people and I really enjoyed talking with them. I am hoping this is the start of a friendship.

Draft Post

I have a blog post that has been saved as a draft. It is about what I received for my birthday. Right now I hurt too much to sit here and finish it. Hopefully after my nap I will feel better and can get the post finished.

Secret Stitching

Right now I am working on a small project for someone and it is a secret who it is for. Hence I can not put up pics of it or say how it is to be used. I am almost done and I do hope the recipient likes it!

Other than that little square I haven't stitched in a few days so no progress pics, sorry about that. Hopefully I will get some more stitching done later tonight or tomorrow. Right now I am real tired and sore from sitting at the doctor's office for a couple hours.

Thank you very much Dawn, Charlene, Cindy, Maureen, Cindy and Jo for your comments on the wedding sampler. I really appreciate them. :)

New Blog

I have started a new blog. This one will focus on my medical conditions and my struggles to regain a life despite the pain and the deep depression I have been dealing with. If anyone cares to read it you can find it at ravenpain.blogspot.com

My hope is that the blog will help motivate me to get back to doing the things I used to and give me an outlet where I can release the pent up emotions that are running around inside me and maybe help someone else in a similar situation as mine to know they are not alone (which can be a great help) in the process.

Finally A Wedding Sampler for Myself and DH

December 4, 2009 will be my 9th anniversary with my DH. I started stitching this piece a year or so ago and it got set aside when my stitching mojo died on me. Well after finishing Crescent Dreams I decided that it was time to finish this one as well so I pulled it out.

The picture above shows what the piece will look like when it is finished. I found the pattern in the magazine "Cross Stitch Crazy" the May 2002 issue. The chart was created by Betty Spencer. It came with 5 possible sayings to use on it. The one that is in the above pic, plus 4 more.

Since DH and I wanted our names and date of wedding on the sampler I had to do some fiddling with it. I moved things up a few rows, and changed the band that goes directly above the first line of text. By doing this I was able to fit all the text in the space provided, so I didn't have to add to the borders to make it fit. I have also decided to add some beads to the piece. At the bottom, above the heart and scrolls, there is a band of diamond shaped blackwork. This is stitched using DMC 500, a nice dark green. I am adding a green seed bead to the center of each blackwork bit to add a bit of sparkle.

To keep it in balance, I will be adding gold beads to the hourglass shaped blackwork in the top row as well. On the final border, I will be putting green beads on top of the two dark green stitches that appear at even intervals throughout that border. Since its only 2 at a time, with space between, I don't think this will overwhelm the piece.

I am really enjoying stitching this piece. I love the lacy effect that the blackwork gives it, and I love the way the colors work together. Neither picture gives an accurate depiction of the colors in it. I will try to get a picture tomorrow, outside so I can use sunlight (if its not raining here LOL).

Today was a tough day for me. My lower back is hurting pretty badly and I ended up spending the day in bed. I have been up over about 34 hours now and I just can't sleep, so I figured I'd come post my wip.

Thank you all who read and comment on my blog. Your comments really do make me smile!

Main Stitching Done Crescent Dreams

Here is Mirabillia's Crescent Dreams with all the main stitching and backstitching done. I changed the backstitch color for the blanket and hat from a grayish color (used on the face) to a dark pink because I thought it looked better against the pink blanket and hat. Now comes putting on the birth information in a simple backstitch alphabet, then washing and pressing it before adding the beads, silk ribbon, and charms it calls for.

This is a closeup of the baby and blanket. I am very proud of it because I changed the color scheme. The pattern said it came with a color scheme for a blue blanket and a pink one, but it didn't really. The girl version was simply a bluish purple blanket with a few dark pink stitches here and there. For the boy blanket it was still that bluish purple color but with blue stitches here and there instead of pink. I asked Stephanie what she wanted and, like me, she wanted the entire blanket to be pink. Together we chose a few colors until we found ones that we both liked and that worked well together. We are very pleased with the results.

The following is a rant. Someone I considered a good friend sent me an email telling me I complain too often about my pain, so now I'm ranting.

I am still dealing with a higher pain level because the radio frequency wore off. I had the diagnostics for the radio frequency done last week. They were positive which means I am a candidate to have radio frequency done again, YAY. I see the doctor on Thursday to go over the results of the diagnostics and then schedule the procedures. Getting it done hurts like absolute h***, but once I recover from the procedure itself (usually takes a few days) my overall pain level drops quite a bit. Not enough that I no longer need oral medication, but enough that my current doses of medication work so much better! It will keep my pain level below a 5 almost every single day and it will last for 6 to 9 months. Honestly it is annoying that I have to go through such a painful procedure just to get longer lasting relief. Since, in my opinion, the relief is worth the extreme pain I get for a couple days, I will go through the procedure. It doesn't make me pain free, nothing will do that, but it does make the pain alot more bearable. I just hope I don't have to wait another 6 weeks before getting RF done.

Some people have told me that I complain about my pain too much. I've been told in the past two weeks that I'm a whiner. One person told me that if they were in my position they wouldn't complain because it can't possibly be that bad. This just annoys me, saddens me, hurts me (when it is someone I really like who says it, as it was this time), and angers me. Living with a lot of pain just stinks so bad. It affects every aspect of my life and everyone in my family who loves me. It causes insomnia, depression, lethargy, frustration, confusion, fear, guilt, low self-esteem, thoughts of being no good/worthless/broken, and so many other emotions. Those who love me have to deal with their own frustration that they can't make it better or take the pain away from me. My family members have to deal with the fact that I can not do many of the things I want to do and they have to pick up the slack (re: housework and such) when I am off my feet due to pain. This makes them frustrated, angry, scared, resentful and other emotions. When I am stuck in bed crying because I hurt so bad and the medications are not helping and my leg is literally kicking all by itself and every muscle in my lower back and pelvis is twitching hard enough to be seen easily, those who are around me and who love me are completely helpless to do anything to help. For my youngest child and my niece seeing me like that is utterly terrifying. My son (youngest child) has gotten old enough to understand and not be as scared as he used to be but my niece (the baby) is not old enough to understand and she freaks out. She screams my name and sobs. I do my best to hide it when a pain crisis occurs by going into my room and locking the door. I cry into a pillow or folded up towel so the noise doesn't carry. This leaves me feeling very alone, ostracised and outcast when I really need support the most, but I'd rather feel alone than terrify my niece.

I deal with this pain every single day of my life. I can't stand for more than 20 minutes. There are many times when my legs just completely give out, without warning and I end up falling. There have been times where I have lost control of my bladder (majorly embaressing!). Every thing I do increases my pain simply because a person's pelvis takes a lot of stress with every movement a person makes and since my pelvis is broken, every move makes it hurt more.

I do my best to maintain a good attitude. I crack jokes about the weird noises my pelvis and back make when I move (popping, snapping, grinding sounds). I crack jokes about the deep wrinkles that are on my face due to the facial expressions that show up when I hurt a lot. I have had to adjust how I do every day things from taking a shower (using a chair because I can't stand in the shower) to doing laundry (kick the clothes accross the house because I can't carry a full basket) to cooking dinner (sitting on a bar stool because I can't stand long enough) to intimacy with my husband. I can't make promises or plans in advance to go somewhere with a friend because I can't promise that when the day arrives that I will be okay enough to do those plans. There are too many times that my niece comes to me and asks "up Ahma, up" and I have to tell her no because she is now too heavy and when I try sitting on the floor or a chair to hold her she gets mad because she wants to be carried and I can't do it.

These are just some of the things that a person has to deal with when they live with chronic pain. Since I do not complain all the time and I do engage in conversations on many other topics, I do not believe that I am somehow weak because I do complain sometimes. I do not think that my complaining is out of proportion when it is compared to all the ways the pain negatively affects my life and my loved one's lives or when it is compared to the actual level of pain I live with every day. Even though I know these things, it still hurts to be told what I was told and it makes me question myself even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm sorry if my complaining about being in pain upsets or bothers you, but it is a major part of my life and affects my entire life, thus it becomes a topic of thought and conversation for me. Talking about my pain helps me to find the strength to go on dealing with it and not give up. I am ever so grateful for everyone who does listen and emotionally support me when I do complain about my pain. I know that it doesn't feel like it is really helpful to me, but believe me it is extremely helpful to me. It gives me the strength to go on by allowing me the mental release of complaining about it and being heard. I do not seek sympathy, I seek support and in my opinion being emotionally supportive is something that real friends do for each other, no matter what the situation is that makes such support necessary.

To all those who have provided such invaluable support to me in the past (and will do so in the future) I thank you all! I am so very grateful to each and every one of you.

Ok I'll stop ranting now.